American Psycho

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By Mark Ramsey | 2000/04/12

As if we needed proof that too much Phil Collins and Huey Lewis can lead to a homicidal rampage, here comes American Psycho to ice-pick the point home. Listen, if cheesy tunes from the 80′s inspire mass murder, a dose of Celine Dion could nuke us back to the stone age – or whatever you’d call the age of that face.

The book on which American Psycho is based was notorious in the 80′s because it suggested that eating the brains of models is okay as long as it’s accompanied by a fine Napa Valley Cabernet Sauvignon. What’s that rule, red with model brains, white with fish?

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Why not eat model brains, I say. They’re vestigial organs, aren’t they? The brain’s the only model-part Leo DiCaprio hasn’t nibbled on, so think of it as leftovers. In fact, Leo is rumored to carry a wreath of garlic and a sterling crucifix to ward off signs of intellect in sex partners in the extremely unlikely event any should pop up.

More frightening than a chorus of “Rock Me, Amadeus,” pin-striped and fashion plated Christian Bale collects wayward babes like so many Pet Shop Toys.

This guy knows how to get ahead – and keep it in his fridge! Did you know the best wine for disgorged entrails is the Bacchus ‘Reserve’ 1997 Napa Chardonnay? I’ll super-size that!

After invading the sisterhood with his ya-ya, a naked Christian tears through his Manhattan apartment building stairwell chasing a would-be victim with a chainsaw, presumably to trim some bush. At least here’s one naked Manhattan psycho who’s not begging for change.

Christian tours us through the cleansing, scrubbing, and clarifying of his daily beauty regimen. If Egypt’s King Tut took such good care of himself, he’d be standing over your shoulder right now asking what the Hell are you reading and please get back to work.

Investigator Willem Dafoe gets suspicious when Christian begins sweating Pierre Cardin. What’s more, Christian’s associate gets an axe to the head which not only kills him but – worse – creates a highly irregular hair-part. Ironically, the pattern of blood spatters inspires the crimson accented Halston spring collection, which Liza buys as travel clothes for rehab.

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In real life, Christian Bale is a Welshman – an American Poseur. A recent graduate of the Remedial Stone Phillips Stilted Presentation School, Christian boasts a Masters in Eyebrow Archery from the James Brolin Academy of Furrowed Studies. Christian plays this role with tongue so deep in cheek, somewhere Louie Anderson is getting goosebumps just thinking about it.

What in the world is the ever-charming Chloe Sevigny doing in this movie? “I’ve always wanted to be in a movie with “Sussudio” on the soundtrack,” said Chloe, “and this is the last one there’ll ever be. Besides, Phil Collins is an Oscar winner and I’m not, although, coincidentally, Hell is currently in the process of freezing over.”

“Plus,” added Chloe, “having a nail gun fired into my head stretches me as an artist.”

If you cross Friday the 13th and Wall Street, you get American Psycho. Then again, you also get Friday the Wall Street, and I don’t see anybody scrambling to make that. In fact, American Psycho is both painfully well-made and simply painful. What’s the point of all this art-house mayhem?

Ask a model-brain.

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