Road Trip

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By Mark Ramsey | 2000/05/20

This weekend, you can choose between stunning, cutting edge animation in Dinosaur and stunning, cutting edge, nubile young coed nudity in Road Trip. I don’t have to tell you where I was.

Road Trip follows in the proud tradition of John Ford, or at least John Landis. It’s a college-age helping of American Pie.

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The center of gravity in this movie is xtreme babe Amy Smart. Amy’s a major hottie who – in the custom of all movies written, produced, and directed by film geeks – falls for the most average looking Joe on campus. As far as Amy’s bod is concerned, “blemish” is a name for people from Blem and “cellulite” is diet cellu.

When I was in college, any sub-hot guy who had a babe like that either had a band or a lot of drugs or, ideally, both.

Clustered together, Amy and her babelicious pals are like a Kevin Costner dessert tray. This is the first movie I’ve seen where the breasts have their own stunt coordinator.

Our hero, Breckin Meyer, videotapes his romp with Amy and accidentally mails the tape to his home-town hunny at another school. Oops! The boys are off in their race to beat the clock, beat the tape, and just plain beat off.

Although this is a DreamWorks picture, partner Steve Spielberg’s name is so far removed from Road Trip’s credits, it’d be easier to link Jodie Foster to her baby’s father than Spielberg to Road Trip.

MTV’s Tom Green is the off-kilter port in this storm of raging, libidinous hormones. This is Tom’s first movie, and he’s terrific in it.

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On TV, Tom has turned his real-life testicular cancer into a comedy special – that’s roughly analogous to getting his Chris Rocks off. Look for Tom to pitch the tumorous interloper on ebay, where it’s likely to become the holiday fruitcake of celebrity memorabilia. As for the limited edition version signed and numbered by Andy Warhol, the sky’s the limit!

Frustrated that his pet snake won’t eat, Tom stuffs a mouse in his own mouth. I don’t know if the snake learned anything, but the enterprising folks at Johnson & Johnson now have new ideas for homeopathic dental floss. And actor Richard Gere mysteriously told Entertainment Weekly, “Yeah, the mouth probably would have been easier.”

Newcomer DJ Qualls upstages even Tom Green. He munches french toast freshly sautéed inside the ripe briefs of a helpful tubby waiter man. What a meal has to go through to qualify for a SAG card!

DJ’s the skinny Jack Sprat who hilariously beds down the gal who could eat no lean. This explains why Calista Flockhart doesn’t do revealing sex scenes – they’d be too funny! Is that Calista having sex or is someone sleeping with the bones from the bio lab? Who let out the exhibit from the natural history museum?! Are those flies buzzing around her head?

Pie alum Seann William Scott decides to make a sperm deposit to earn a quick buck. Why? Because car washes, bake sales, and blood donations take too much time and don’t offer the opportunity for prostate stimulation.

All in all, Road Trip delivers to expectations, even if those expectations aren’t exactly sky high.

Although if you’re sky high, so much the better.

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“This is where we would kiss if I was attracted to girls”