What is Coyote Ugly? It’s a watering hole manned by virile females who stow their tattoos where the sun don’t shine and the camera don’t either.
If navels had wings this movie would be “The Birds,” and newcomer Piper Perabo would be “Titty Hedren.”
Piper, whose name shows more alliteration than should be allowed by law, was last seen on the Discovery Channel grazing in a herd of Perabo somewhere in the Antarctic.
Piper has a perfect complexion and a tummy so flat contractors use it as a level and Home Depot stocks ‘em by the dozen next to the WD-40. Piper’s dream is to be a famous songwriter just like…well…I’m sure there’s one somewhere.
So she carries her keyboard and guitar up to the roof of her New York slum-pad so she can bleach her teeth in private and practice her forlorn expression and her music in front of venting steam – either it’s steam or producer Jerry Bruckheimer’s hot air is making a cameo.
Piper’s problem is that she needs to overcome stage-fright – a remarkably weighty theme – and what could be better therapy than shaking her booty atop a slimy bar in skintight pants and a belly-tee?
In Coyote Ugly, hottie Piper’s got a mom (actually, a picture of a mom) who’s coyote butt-ugly and a dad played by frumpy working class stereotype John Goodman. Wait a minute. You mean John Goodman can produce a daughter who looks like that?
Speaking graveside from England, even legendary naturalist Charles Darwin acknowledged “As a matter of course I believe in evolution, but in this case…I mean…come on.” The late geneticist Gregor Mendel added “I’ve cross-pollinated a lot of peas, but I’ve never developed a strain that can writhe on a bar like that!”
Either Mr. and Mrs. Goodman discovered a Perabo bundle on their porch or the stork used a casting director with a cache of head shots left over from Melrose Place.
I couldn’t make out much of the dialogue (not that any of it mattered) because I was sitting in back of the nursery row. Evidently, some parents seem determined to see movies even if it means destroying the experience for a hundred other folks whose dictionary still includes the expression “baby-sitter.”
No surprise, then, when Piper peered down from the screen and screamed “Kids, if you don’t stop crying I’m going to start eating again and never ever stop!”
Just as all the loose ends are being tied up and this fifteen minutes of content crawls across the bar into its 110th minute, who should suddenly air-drop onto Coyote Ugly but Country star Leann Rhymes! How did Leann get here? Why did Leann get here? Why can’t they parachute in an acting coach?
That’s enough for now. I’ve got to get back to the Jerry Lewis Telethon. Where else will you see the vocal stylings of Charo and Third Eye Blind on the same bill?
Coyote Ugly may be dumber than a door-knob, but it’s also several halter tops and two MPAA ratings short of a “must-see.”
Photos Copyright ©2000 Touchstone Pictures