Dr. Seuss’ How the Grinch Stole Christmas

By Mark Ramsey | 2000/11/20

Every Who down in Who-ville liked Christmas a lot. But Director Ron Who-ward saw gold in a pot.

Yes he got an idea! An awful idea! RON WHO-WARD GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA! “The Grinch, kiddies love him,” said Ron with much glee. “Who better to play him but THE Jim Carrey!”


But Jim HATED the Grinch. Now don’t ask me why. It could be his head wasn’t screwed on just right. It could be, perhaps, that his shoes were too tight. And if there’s anything it can’t be at all, it’s not that his ego’s two sizes too small!

“I think I’ll hold out for a role much more meaty.” “What, Jim,” said Ron Who-ward, “like American Graffitti?”

“Please Jim,” said Ron Who-ward, “do your thing off the cuff; we’ll make so much bread I can sit on my duff! We’ll do 55 mil in our opening bow; even soothsayers will gape with their mouths drooling ‘wow!’”

So Jim slithered and slunk with a smile most unpleasant. “Seems to me 20 mil sure beats being a peasant!”

With false teeth and thick yak hair Jim needed a razor or to share herbal body wraps with producer Brian Grazer.

Jim slunk to the icebox and took Who-ward’s feast! He took the Who-pudding! He took the roast beast! He took the Who-apples right off of the tree! “Ron Who-ward’s food rocks,” said Jim, “kudos to Aunt Bea.”

Jim slipped into Who-ville, green, hairy and big – the Who’s were all crashed at Pete Townsend’s last gig.

He slid down the chimney. A rather tight pinch. “Watch the fire,” said his ass-crack, “or I’ll burn in a cinch.” He got stuck only once, for a moment or two, relieved when his ass-crack said “Jim, I’ll lead you.”


“Look at it all!” said Jim with start. “It won’t fit in my bag, not even a part!” Jim said “my Grinch face, it’s on all of this crap! To the spirit of our tale, all this is a slap!” Yes, cereal, watches, Joe Boxers, and ties, puzzles, and games, Pop-Tarts and tie-dies – all of them graced with that face, smart and slick. Jim thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick.

“Maybe Christmas is NOT about Christ this and that. It’s not ‘love’ kiddies want when they’re on Santa’s lap. Maybe Christmas is trees that plug into the wall, it’s not about giving and caring at all! Nothing at all about Christmas is free, not, that is, when there’s a licensing fee! So I’ll take my t-shirts and my boxers and toys and go to the mall to experience the noise. The NOISE! NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!”

Imagine Jim’s shock then, when Christmas did come and instead of the tears he heard “bless us, every one.” He HADN’T stopped Christmas from coming! IT CAME! With or without merchandise just the same.

“Maybe Christmas, dear Ron, doesn’t come from a store. Maybe merchandise deals liken us to a whore. As holidays go, this one has no equal.”

“Shut up, Jim,” said Ron, “while I dream up a sequel.”

Photos Copyright ©2000 Universal Pictures.


Comments are closed.

Enter your own funny caption

caption this

“This is where we would kiss if I was attracted to girls”