Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon

By Mark Ramsey | 2001/01/11

To: Drew Barrymore

From: Cameron Diaz

Re: Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon

Hi Drew! Kiss, kiss. How’s Tom? Thanks for dinner last week – it looked as yummy coming up as it did going down!

You asked me to see Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon to steal … er … borrow … some ideas for our next Charlie’s Angels movie.

So me and Keanu went last night because, according to his publicist, he loves me so much we’ll probably get married (wink, wink).

It was about an hour in when I realized I didn’t understand a word of this movie – and I mean that even more than usual. So Keanu whispered that the whole flick was in Chinese, and I said “the food?”


Then he told me Lo Mein is short for Lo Meintenance, which is something I’d never have to worry about, whatever that means, and I said “thank you!” And then some girl behind me tapped me on the shoulder and said “I love you, Charlize,” which was totally sweet because she had mistaken me for Charlezza Gibbons!

Chinese! So that explains all the words on the screen! I thought I was watching a long list of credits for a really big crew. No wonder they all look like Lucy Liu! I was thinking, what an amazing coincidence!

Drew, Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon is totally lacking in proto-hip pop cultural references and quick-quip allusions to ass-kicking. No Spidey panties, no moonwalking, just this incredibly rich story of courage, love, and identity along with some dynamite fight sequences. What’s up with that?

And you know what else? When these actors strike martial arts poses, nobody laughs! Remember how funny everybody thought our fighting was?!

Plus I really like the way these fighters choose a new weapon and display it to their opponent for like five minutes before kicking their ass with it. It’s like they’re saying, “here’s a new weapon for you to inspect for about five minutes before I start kicking your ass with it. Ready? Okay, let’s begin.”

I think we can copy the plot pretty good. There’s plenty of rad fighting but way too much of that emotional depth to which I owe none of my career success.

So here’s what happens: Chow Yun Fat has gone to what sounds like “Wu-Tang Clan” to study the mystical secrets of fast motion fighting and flight over rooftops and through trees while dangling from wires. Very cool stuff.


Chow has this mystical sword called “The Green Destiny,” just like that cocktail I had five of when I flashed my boobs at the cute bartender at Skybar. Chow’s sword gets ripped off by this girl in black who moves like a gymnast and fights like a demon. She’s cute! Plus she’s got a barbarian boyfriend who looks like a Mongolian version of Keaunu, so I started calling him “Keanu the Hun,” and he sneered at me and called me a “breeder,” whatever that means.

Here’s my thought (and brace yourself, because I’m having one): In the next Charlie’s I could have this mystical green Prada bag and we all fight over it. Then some super-criminal steals it so we’re forced to Kung Fu our way onto Rodeo Drive to shop for a new one, because the stolen one is so last-season anyway and yadda yadda yadda. By the way, I know you didn’t ask for it, but I already started in on the script – I’m 76 pages deep and you guys come in soon, I promise!

Crouching Tiger’s directed by Angie Lee, I think it is, who actually chose to work with Jewel before working with us, if you can believe that. Screw him, I say! Hack!

You’ll love this movie, Drew! Don’t let the subtitles stop you – you don’t have to read them, even if you know how.

Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon packs one Hell of a Kung Pao!

Luv, Camera

Photos Copyright ©2001 Sony Pictures Classics and Talk Magazine


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