The Wedding Planner

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By Mark Ramsey | 2001/01/27

This movie brought a tear to my eye, not because it was sad, but because we were only ten minutes in and had about a hundred to go.

Yikes, The Wedding Planner is bad. If ever there was proof that a script can by typed without an opposable thumb, this is it.

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Jennifer Lopez made 9 million bucks for this movie which is what co-star Matt McConaughey makes in 9 million years. And she made it for playing an Italian, believe it or not, and who would?

Keeping ethnic stereotypes alive, however, is J. Lo’s deeply annoying dad, Alex Rocco, who lives with a gaggle of quaint oldsters ever since his wife died – no doubt because she could stand it no longer. Alex’s idea of playing Italian is to use his hands a lot. This ain’t mime, Alex! Save the sign language and use those hands to walk off the set!

J. Lo is Sandra Bullock with a subpoena and a record deal. Naturally, she plays the titular wedding planner, and I don’t mean that as a pun.

What is happening with Matt McConaughey’s hair? Looks to me like his centerpiece is artfully arranged and Mr. and Mrs. Rogaine missed the reception.

If this is what we get when Hollywood’s working at full steam, then bring on the strike! Says one of Jennifer’s brides-to-be: “When I dance I look like a retarded string-bean.” Ha ha, ho ho ho. Ha ha ha ha. Hoo ha ha. Are The Weber Show writers moonlighting? Oh, I’ve got to settle down.

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Every nook and cranny of this movie is filled with the pungent whiff of cheese. Whenever that music swells and Matt or J. Lo begin to swoon, you know you’re in for an over-ripe, pre-fab “romantic speech.” What happened to the good old days of “You had me at ‘hello’”?

Jen is a member of the Bay Area Scrabble Club, believe it or not, and who would? What’s a four-letter word for “crap” starting with “s”? Who lives next door, Fred MacMurray and his three sons?

Jennifer is nearly totaled by a dumpster in what would have been the definitive mercy killing. Instead, Matt dumpster-dives her to safety. Was that trashcan full of recyclables since everything else in this movie is?

Problem is, would-be loverboy Matt is to be wed to an anchor-pretty blonde gal whose wedding J. Lo is stage-managing. Whoops! Fortunately, this gal’s blazing-white porcelain teeth distract you from the fact that her eyes are so far apart her nose is marked as an Interstate. In her college days, it seems, she was a bookie at UC Berkeley – a bookie with excellent peripheral vision, I might add.

So this is what it would be like if Saved By The Bell had an all-star cast. Before you see The Wedding Planner, take my advice: Get cold feet.


Photos Copyright ©2001 Columbia Pictures

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“This is where we would kiss if I was attracted to girls”