The Mexican

By Mark Ramsey | 2001/03/02

Dear Matthew Perry:

Matt, I was so sorry to hear that you checked into rehab. Especially since people infested with drugs can live happy, healthy, fruitful, flamboyant, eccentric, David Arquette-like lives! Not that I would know, of course.

I only hope you’re reading this letter while sipping a double decaf cappuccino by the roaring fire instead of being strapped to a table with methadone dripping into your vein, listening to these words read by a grotesque, Kong-like, 300-pound nursemaid with dozens of wire hairs jutting from her chin. Yucky-doo!

How’s the food in there? I don’t care personally, of course, since I haven’t eaten a bite since 1983.

mexican_juliatrunk.jpgAny chance your experience in rehab will land you a gig on Ally McBeal? They say that show’s green room is the halfway house of the entertainment industry. Did you know they only use food on that set as hanging mobiles in David E. Kelley’s office? Right above his desk there’s a constellation of tortellini shaped like the Big Dipper.

Any spontaneous jam sessions during dinner hour by Liza Minnelli and Scott Weiland from Stone Temple Pilots? When are they going to tour like Elton and Billy?

Hey guess what? David (Arquette, my husband, remember?) and I got out to see a premiere the other day. David had a new set of pajamas and wanted to humiliate us both by showing them off on the red carpet. Oh I adore his psychedelic behavior so much – Did you know during sex he screams “One-zero-A-T-T!”?

We saw Swarzanegger again, and no matter what I try I cannot get him to grope me. What’s wrong with me, Arnold? What’s wrong with me??!!

mexican_show.jpgAnyway, we saw the new Julia Roberts/Brad Pitt movie, The Mexican. Oh my God, Matthew, it was wonderful. It turns out both Brad and Julia are terrific comic actors. And that Brad is a hottie; why don’t we know anybody who can introduce us to him?

I didn’t know Brad spoke Spanish: “I need a lift in your el-truck-o to the next town-o.” Wow, I had no idea Spanish was so similar to both English and Italian!

The Mexican, by the way, is a gun, not a gardener. The whole movie is a rather low-concept affair (let’s face it, if you and I starred in this thing, you could hear the crickets sing in the theater), but Brad and Julia pull it off, and it’s really quite terrific!

Tony Soprano is even in this movie playing…Tony Soprano. Evidently, he has a range as wide as the mob is deep. He’s a 21st century Joe Pesci.

I honestly think this is my favorite movie so far this year, and that includes 3000 Miles to Graceland, and I was in that! When you hear them say “they don’t make ‘em like this any more,” this is the “this” they’re talking about.

Chandler, get better soon! Not just because I want you to get clean, but because you’re putting at risk the best damn character arc I’ve ever had on Friends, and if you screw it up and ruin my career I’m going to hate you for it.

All my love,


Photos Copyright ©2001 DreamWorks SKG


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