Rock Star

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By Mark Ramsey | 2001/09/08

This weekend your new choice is between Musketeers and Butt-Rocketeers. All for one, and one for Ozzy, dude!

If you have the hair of Sir Isaac Newton, if the dirt under your fingernails is from any vehicle, either yours or someone else’s, if your attitude is: Why wear a shirt when I have a perfectly good leather vest, then Rock Star is the movie for you. Yes, if you make stuff with your hands and the smokestack is your neighborhood friend, Rock Star is your kind of story!

For the rest of you, if you’ve seen VH1 Behind the Music, you’ve already seen this movie – a hundred times.

Show me the Rocker here who hasn’t dated Heather Locklear and I’ll show you a guy who needs his head examined, and not just because of those tenacious lice!

Rock Star is based on the real life tales of farm club cover band front-men called up to pinch-hit in the big leagues. Out goes the lead guy, in comes the cover guy.

There’s nothing new about this in the entertainment biz, of course. Oldsters like the Temptations have turned over so many times, “My Girl” has been everyone‘s girl at one time or another. Just look at the number of different people who have been Michael Jackson, for goodness sake!

Mark Wahlberg is the eponymous Rock Star and, with his mussed up shoulder-length hair extensions, he’s also a dead ringer for Kristy McNichol.

Jennifer Aniston is Mark’s girlfriend. Whenever somebody needs a big-screen girlfriend, out goes the call to Jennifer “Never Say No” Aniston. Does she use a satellite tracking device to find these roles? Are these characters written for any particular ten-years-too-old-for-the-role actress or just this one?

Brad Pitt was attached to star in this movie until he realized that Poison was Metal, but Metal was also poison – box-office-wise, that is.

In one memorable scene, Jennifer pierces Mark’s nipple. But the pained look on his face couldn’t compare to the pained one on mine when I realized this gift was not to be reciprocated. Given Jennifer’s notorious physiological response to chilly weather it’s safe to say she would have provided targets no pin could miss – even in the unlikely event it wanted to. Oh, the pity.

Hey wait! That’s Metal God Wahlberg hijacking the Batmobile, of all things. Listen, just because this guy can get any woman he wants does not give him the right to snake Batman’s ride! He’s already got the Bat-pole, so to speak, leave the car in the cave!

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This movie was almost bearable until the climax when Mark surrenders his dream to a guy in the audience – something Nicolas Cage should have done years ago. Mark wants to find his own music and leave behind what amounts to a career in Karaoke – not to mention clear proficiency in hand gestures designed to direct audience attention to his genitals. Genitals so magnetic, I might add, shooting had to be halted when two gaffers wearing metal “Scorcese is God” belt buckles soared across the set and stuck to Mark’s hip.

Forget the fact that real life cover band guys in Mark’s position will keep up their Karaoke until the cows come home – or the Ratt, as the case may be.

Rock Star’s a pleasant enough rock and roll fantasy, but it’s a tad too hair bland for me.


Photos Copyright ©2001 Warner Brothers

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