Zoolander

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By Mark Ramsey | 2001/09/30

EXT. EXOTIC BEACH ON THE COAST OF BELIZE, CENTRAL AMERICA

Some of the world’s greatest supermodels converge to luxuriate beach-side. There lay HEIDI Klum, ESTHER Cañadas, LAETITIA Casta, and ESTELLA Warren.

HEIDI

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You remember when we had swimwear painted on our naked bodies for Sports Illustrated? That was fun.

ESTHER

For you maybe. Your makeup artist used finger paints. Mine used a roller and a gallon of Dutch Boy.

LAETITIA

Oohhh, Dutch Boy! James Van Der Beek!

ESTHER

Hey, if we’re in Central America, how come it’s so expensive to call Ohio?

LAETITIA

That’s simple! The agency likes to discourage calls to places we only visit in First Class from 30,000 feet.

HEIDI

Can you believe that guy in Zoolander says “I’m pretty sure there’s more to life than being really, really good looking”?

Silence all around.

LAETITIA

Only someone with a chronic complexion problem would say something as stupid as that.

HEIDI

Yeah, like sore eyes.

ESTELLA

You mean “Psoriasis”?

HEIDI

Earth to Estella! That’s what I said, hello!

ESTELLA

It was John Keats who wrote “Beauty is truth, and truth is beauty.”

LAETITIA

John Keats is so hot right now.

HEIDI

And it was legendary ’60s fashion photographer Richard Avedon who said “Spread ‘em, Twiggy.”

ESTELLA

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You know, in 1792 Mary Wollstonecraft wrote: “Taught from their infancy that beauty is woman’s sceptre, the mind shapes itself to the body, and, roaming round its gilt cage, only seeks to adorn its prison. Men have various employments and pursuits which engage their attention, and give a character to the opening mind; but women, confined to one, and having their thoughts constantly directed to the most insignificant part of themselves, seldom extend their views beyond the triumph of the hour.”

HEIDI

And Beauty is as Beauty does.

LAETITIA

Girls, does it look like I’m getting what they call very close veins?

ESTHER

You know, that Zoolander movie is produced by VH-1 – they’ve done so much for beauty with their fashion awards and all.

HEIDI

Yes, but their videos include Macy Gray – six beauty steps back!

LAETITIA

Ohhh, girl don’t make me throw up my celery sticks. Again.

ESTHER

Hey, what did you guys think about Milla in Zoolander?

HEIDI

I hate her and the cleansing cream she exfoliates with.

ESTHER

You’re jealous, Heidi.

HEIDI

I am not, I’m German.

LAETITIA

I like the way that song “Relax” is the trigger for Ben Stiller to kill that Pomeranian Prime Minister guy.

ESTELLA

Yes, Stiller’s character is analogous to Lawrence Harvey in “The Manchurian Candidate.”

LAETITIA

Gus who? Harvey who? And what office did he run for in Texas?

HEIDI

And that Steve Kmetko from E! He was in this movie. He’s like the Larry King of the Catwalk!

ESTHER

Would that make him the Larry Queen?

LAETITIA

What up with that Mugatu guy, though? He was over the top, even for the our industry. He looked like his mom’s Bette Davis and his dad’s a Poodle.

ESTHER

Bette, Barney, Wilma, Fred… I don’t know what you’re talking about, Laetitia.

HEIDI

Mugatu is that Will Ferrell guy from SNL. The one who shows up in lots of unfunny movies in largely unfunny supporting roles because casting directors think he’s Phil Hartman.

LAETITIA

I liked how Ben Stiller has all these fake model looks with names like “Blue Steel” and “Magnum.” Our real looks have much better names!

HEIDI

“Disaffected nonchalance.”

ESTHER

“Bout of Pout”

ESTELLA

“Whiff of Waif”

LAETITIA

“2001: A Space-Case Odyssey”

A moment of comfortable silence as the supermodels ponder their physical superiority to all humanity. Or, as they pronounce it, “supereroritee.”

ESTHER

So did you think Zoolander was good?

LAETITIA

Who-lander?


Photos Copyright ©2001 Paramount Pictures

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