Austin Powers in Goldmember

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By Mark Ramsey | 2002/08/05

My spy crept silently outside the studio of FOX’s American Idol. There he overheard a mysterious conversation between Brian Dunkleman and Ryan Seacrest, the Chang and Eng of TV hosts, as they shared a smoke and adjusted each other’s pants bulges.

Brian

Say Seacrest, weren’t you recently picked by E! Online as one of the “30 Most Annoying Radio DJ’s hosting their own TV show under 30″?

Ryan

goldmember_peaceout.jpgWait, a fly has become entangled in my randomly yet lovingly tousled hair, and it can’t escape.

(Ryan uses salad tongs to clear some brush and improvise an escape route)

Fly now, my little friend! Hold fast to your dreams!

Brian

Hey Seacrest, did you see Austin Powers in Goldmember yet?

Ryan

What? Sorry, my brain is taking a personal day.

Brian

Austin Powers in Goldmember. It’s been out for a couple weeks now, did you see it yet?

Ryan

Isn’t Austin in Texas? Darn Rand McNally coloring books!

Brian

No, the movie Goldmember.

Ryan

goldmember_pound.jpg

I used to have this windbreaker that was Goldmembers Only.

Brian

Well the movie’s funny.

Ryan

Funny ha-ha or strange?

Brian

Ha-ha. Although one villain has a penis made of gold, and that’s strange.

Ryan

Not if you know where to party!

Brian

Would you like me to tell you about the movie?

Ryan

Sure, can I tickle your sphincter?

Brian

Uh…maybe later. So anyway, it’s Mike Myers as Austin Powers and a bunch of other characters.

Ryan

A super-hot performance by Mike Myers, I’ll bet. In fact, like Shrek, I’m being voiced by Mike Myers at this very moment!

Brian

Really? Are you digital or does a muppeteer have his hand up your butt?

Ryan

I only wish!

Brian

That Mike Myers is so talented! And we know talent!

Ryan and Brian (in unison)

Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Ryan

Take it from me, talent is over-rated – like literacy. You can’t eat it! And as Clairol Herbal Essence is my witness, I’ll never be hungry again.

Hey, did you know that line readings require neither tan lines nor palm readers?

Brian

Um…okay. Anyway, I’d explain why Austin Powers is so funny, but your attention span is so short that…

Ryan

That Paula Abdul, she’s Arab, right?

Brian

No, she was a cheerleader.

I don’t know, Ryan. Why do these American Idol kids do it? Why are they so fixated on fame? What’s wrong with simply being a good person? They could help children in need, help the elderly, make people’s lives better. They could make the world a richer place for all of us. Why, Ryan, why is fame so attractive?

Ryan

You know, half of me would marry Liza Minnelli. But see, the other half of me is Liza Minnelli. And the third half is Jennifer Love Hewitt.

Brian

Never mind.


Photos Copyright ©2002 New Line Cinema

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