Austin Powers in Goldmember
My spy crept silently outside the studio of FOX's American Idol. There he overheard a mysterious conversation between Brian Dunkleman and Ryan Seacrest, the Chang and Eng of TV hosts, as they shared a smoke and adjusted each other's pants bulges.
Brian
Say Seacrest, weren't you recently picked by E! Online as one of the "30 Most Annoying Radio DJ's hosting their own TV show under 30"?
Ryan
Wait, a fly has become entangled in my randomly yet lovingly tousled hair, and it can't escape.
(Ryan uses salad tongs to clear some brush and improvise an escape route)
Fly now, my little friend! Hold fast to your dreams!
Brian
Hey Seacrest, did you see Austin Powers in Goldmember yet?
Ryan
What? Sorry, my brain is taking a personal day.
Brian
Austin Powers in Goldmember. It's been out for a couple weeks now, did you see it yet?
Ryan
Isn't Austin in Texas? Darn Rand McNally coloring books!
Brian
No, the movie Goldmember.
Ryan
I used to have this windbreaker that was Goldmembers Only.
Brian
Well the movie's funny.
Ryan
Funny ha-ha or strange?
Brian
Ha-ha. Although one villain has a penis made of gold, and that's strange.
Ryan
Not if you know where to party!
Brian
Would you like me to tell you about the movie?
Ryan
Sure, can I tickle your sphincter?
Brian
Uh...maybe later. So anyway, it's Mike Myers as Austin Powers and a bunch of other characters.
Ryan
A super-hot performance by Mike Myers, I'll bet. In fact, like Shrek, I'm being voiced by Mike Myers at this very moment!
Brian
Really? Are you digital or does a muppeteer have his hand up your butt?
Ryan
I only wish!
Brian
That Mike Myers is so talented! And we know talent!
Ryan and Brian (in unison)
Ha ha ha ha ha ha.
Ryan
Take it from me, talent is over-rated - like literacy. You can't eat it! And as Clairol Herbal Essence is my witness, I'll never be hungry again.
Hey, did you know that line readings require neither tan lines nor palm readers?
Brian
Um...okay. Anyway, I'd explain why Austin Powers is so funny, but your attention span is so short that...
Ryan
That Paula Abdul, she's Arab, right?
Brian
No, she was a cheerleader.
I don't know, Ryan. Why do these American Idol kids do it? Why are they so fixated on fame? What's wrong with simply being a good person? They could help children in need, help the elderly, make people's lives better. They could make the world a richer place for all of us. Why, Ryan, why is fame so attractive?
Ryan
You know, half of me would marry Liza Minnelli. But see, the other half of me is Liza Minnelli. And the third half is Jennifer Love Hewitt.
Brian
Never mind.