Bruce Almighty

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By Mark Ramsey | 2003/06/01

by Heavenly guest contributor God

In the beginning, there was a comic talking out of his butt. And it was good.

Oh my God, you might be saying, why would you, Almighty Father, want to write about a movie?!

Well, talk to any film critic and they’ll tell you there’s only one job more important than creating Heaven and Earth and they’ve got it.

Ah critics. The only pearly gates most will ever see are the ones surrounding Hillary Swank’s tongue. Now I don’t have the credentials to review a movie, of course. You see, I’ve spent all eternity creating stuff for a living rather than diminishing it. But like me, critics are all-knowing, all-powerful, read by many and heeded by few.

So I’m watching Bruce Almighty, and look: They got Morgan Freeman to play me! Morgan Freeman?! Anybody who thinks my works are perfect has never met Morgan’s dermatologist. I don’t see the resemblance. What about Clint Eastwood? At least we’re the same age!

brucealmighty_hand.jpg

Besides, anybody who knows me knows I have a long white beard, and I’m not referring to Nicole Kidman. Actually, today it’s more of a goatee. Nowadays, everybody wants to party with the deity who turns water into Red Bull.

The whole idea of Bruce Almighty is that I go on vacation and need a fill-in. In reality, I do what Letterman does – I just replay old episodes. You don’t notice. You call it déjà vu. “I feel like I’ve seen this before!” Duh! Was I on the pipe when I created you people?

Jim Carrey goes YahWEH over the top as a fluff reporter for a Buffalo TV station. He’s covering the unveiling of Buffalo’s largest cookie, which leads to the obvious question, where’s Buffalo’s largest glass of milk?

No offense, but if I’m gonna step foot on Earth it’s not gonna be in Buffalo. Cabo, maybe. Buffalo, no.

Jim is ambitious. He can’t settle for fluff. He wants to be an anchor. That way he can be famous. And everybody wants to be famous, especially if they can be famous for just being famous. Trista Rehn, you and your kind are not in my image you’re in Zsa Zsa Gabor’s! Don’t make me come down there!

You know, there’s no path to celebrity quicker than being the local newscaster, a.k.a. the poster-child for three-alarm fires, recalcitrant traffic tie-ups, 7-11 shootings, and a cornucopia of pressing, lethal dangers that threaten you and your children – the details of which can wait until after the game.

brucealmighty_walkonwater.jpgJim is a good reporter, his boss says, because he makes people laugh. Take note, journalism students. The true measure of your success is a standing-O at open mic night!

So Morgan goes on vacation and endows Jim with virtually all of my powers – except for the power of Love, which goes to 80′s Rockers Huey Lewis and the News.

There are only two rules: First, he can’t tell anybody he’s God. Second, no messing with Free Willy, or something like that.

Jim can hear all your prayers, but there are so many he converts them to email. Suddenly, he realizes these aren’t prayers, they’re offers for penis enlargement! Take it from me, the Creator, I knew what I was doing when I gave y’all small penises. Making the little head bigger will only make the big one smaller, so deal with it.

Jim abuses my power to pull down the full moon on an invisible lasso – this is great for romance if by “romance” you mean anything submerged by high tide.

Bruce Almighty asks: How do you make somebody love you without affecting free will? The answer, of course, is to broadcast the courtship on TV and offer a cash prize! Why do I have to think of everything?

Jim yearns to be a big-time anchor and have a big-time anchor sign-off. But sign-offs aren’t what they used to be. For Cronkite it was “and that’s the way it is.” For Tom Brokaw, it’s “Later, Alligator.”

Bruce Almighty aims to provoke some jollies, jerk some tears, and teach some lessons which you’ll hopefully remember when you get cut off on the road and give the driver the finger.

Okay, Armageddon outta here and going back to my day job.

As for the movie: Alll-mighty then!


Photos Copyright ©2003 Universal Pictures

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