Bad Boys II

By Mark Ramsey | 2003/07/16

The last time I saw Martin Lawrence with a gun, he was in a daze, waving it at traffic. A victim of “exhaustion,” his spin-meister claimed, which is understandable, what with him working a full ten weeks a year and all.

Now comes Bad Boys II, and the only thing bad about these boys is that we had to wait until the season was half over to greet them. Finally here’s a big summer movie that deserves every one of the millions of dollars it will rake in this weekend. Bad Boys II is off the hook.

Straight up.

badboys2_imwithwill.jpgMartin Lawrence and Will Smith: You won’t find chemistry better than this if you searched Tommy Lee’s entire underwear drawer. Martin and Will are like Lucy and Ethel – with badges.

They even look like cops.

Compare that to Caribbean Buccaneers Johnny Depp and Orlando Bloom – two pirates “scurvy” only in the shirtless model, Teen People sense. These are pirates who look like they’d prefer each other’s plank before walking their own.

Some of Bad Boys II was filmed in a protected manatee habitat. This caused some controversy and manatee’d off more than a few locals. Are manatees more important than Bad Boys? Not if you’ve ever watched Bad Boys – or a manatee.

Enter Joey Pants, whose hairpiece is fresh from netting crocs in the everglades. No fruit came from the loom where this hair was born, I can tell you. Hey, how can a man whose hair is reversible have such perfect teeth? You don’t suppose…. What kind of a cyborg is this guy?!

Bad Boys II is produced by the inimitable Jerry Bruckheimer and Don Simpson, which is interesting considering Simpson has been dead since 1996. “Fortunately,” says Bruckheimer, “I’ve been able to keep Don preserved in an airtight glass case in my office. That way I regularly seek his counsel – and I’m never at a loss for a paperweight.”

Bad Boys II opens with a nighttime bust on some Klansman. Will and Martin are on their own because the burning cross blinds their heavily armed colleagues who can’t see anything through their night-scopes. Well, I can see fine. Why not take the night-scopes off, guys?! Maybe this was the point Don was trying to make when he was gesturing madly inside the glass case.

“What, Don?” Jerry said, “I can’t hear you.”

Hey, I pretty much followed the plot, which is a first for me. There’s some drug-running going on in Miami, believe it or not. You watch the Ecstasy shimmy into the club, across the dance floor and into the hungry mouths of extremely beautiful and scantily dressed people. Yeah, one guy convulses to death on the dance floor, but he looks so good doing it.


“We have a scene where Will finds the corpses to be stuffed with drugs,” notes Jerry, “but any similarity between these stiffs and my partner Don is purely accidental.”

Frustrated by our heroes, the Cuban drug lord snarls to his henchmen, “You keeell those Black beeeeches!” In a fit, the English language stomps out and files for divorce citing “irreconcilable differences.”

The bad guys drive one of those trucks carrying all the cars, and they release the cars like giant projectiles to thwart the cops chasing them. All in all, 22 cars are totaled, including the one carrying the precious building blocks used to construct Joey Pants’ hair – cement building blocks.

Joey is the Captain, thus he gets all the Captain cliché lines like “I have so much brass up my ass I could be playing the Star Spangled Banner.” Has there ever been a buddy-cop movie Captain who isn’t put upon by unmanageable underlings? “Not for as long as I’ve been preserved in this glass case – or as I like to call it, my prophylactic of last resort,” said Simpson, as a production assistant squeegeed a peek-hole.

“The only lines Don snorts at nowadays,” explains the obsequious PA, “are the ones for other people’s movies.”

Another getaway, another chase. This time cadavers fall off the runaway truck. It’s the first time corpses have been used as offensive weapons since Tommy Lee Jones’ last couple of movies.

“Forget that,” adds that ultimate collectible action figure Don Simpson, “has anybody seen my little black book?”

Photos Copyright ©2003 Columbia.Pictures


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