Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life

By Mark Ramsey | 2003/07/26

Barbara Walters’ interview style sure has evolved over the years, hasn’t it?

Barbara to Angelina Jolie:

“On Tomb Raider you did some of your own stunts. So what’s it like to have lesbian experiences?”


Can the CGI team on Lara Croft Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life fuzz out Angelina’s tattoos? “Wouldn’t that be marvelous!” exclaimed actress Cybill Shepherd who has high hopes for the wrinkle-erasing powers of CGI, and who until now has resorted to a focus so soft she could only play dream sequences.

This Tomb Raider, of course, is the second movie based on the video game of the same name. And not for nothing did they call that game Tomb Raider instead of “Compelling Narrative and Witty Dialogue with Three Dimensional Characterizations.”

lara_balls.jpgWith a bar is set this low, who needs to jump when tripping is so much easier? It doesn’t take a breaking bough for this cradle to fall, folks.

Hey, which controller buttons do I thank for the hard nipples on Angelina’s jumpsuit? How do I engage Lara’s emotional range and grip my thumbpad at the same time?

Lara Croft has always been a feminized version of Indiana Jones, and a really lame-assed feminized version at that. You see, Lara never runs from a challenge and never breaks a sweat. Indy is an amiable goofball – he’s usually running from something and always sweating profusely. Now, who would you rather spend two hours of prime popcorn time with?

“I was lucky enough to have a wonderful leading actress in Angelina and a brilliant ensemble cast surrounding her,” said director Jan De Bont. “And by ‘brilliant’ I mean ‘cheap’ – you’ve seen more familiar head shots on milk cartons.”

Who is giving career advice to Dijmon Hounsou, the native African Everyman who has never seen a loincloth and hair braid he didn’t like? Isn’t it time for a frothy comedy, Dijmon? Or at least a role that requires a wardrobe fitting?

Lara recovers an “orb” – which is B-movie for “ball.” Look out, Mr. Bad Guy, Angelina is both hot and hot on your trail. “Bring the orb to me,” he demands, “along with Lady Croft’s body.”

The line for that one forms at the door, pal.

lara_globe.jpgTomb Raider II subscribes to the philosophy that if you can’t make it better, at least make it louder. This may be the loudest movie I’ve ever seen! It actually hurts to hear this movie – even more than it hurts to see it.

What is the “cradle of life?” It’s the place life began. Lara knows: “There was a box that brought life to Earth – except for one infant who crash-landed in Roswell and later came to be known as ‘Cher.’”

No matter where in the world Lara is, no matter what obscure, out-of-the-way barge or remote, isolated desert stretch she lands on, a local without a tooth in his or her head is always there expecting her: “There is no civilization for a thousand miles, Lara, but I have your brand-spanking-new motorcycle, a fresh-polished set of guns, and a clean change of tight-fitting clothes. We savages knows we place!”

Barbara to Angelina Jolie:

“I know there are kids watching this, but can you show me the tattoo on your yoni?”

When the object of all this fuss, Pandora’s box, is finally revealed, one character blurts out “All that power, in such a banal container.”

As for Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life, I couldn’t have said it better myself.

Photos Copyright ©2003 Columbia.Pictures


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