By Mark Ramsey | 2004/11/24

“I don’t want to make a movie for demographics,” Alexander director/writer Oliver Stone told Entertainment Weekly.

Little did we know he meant any of them.

At nearly three hours and $160 million, the best thing I can say about Alexander is that none of my money is invested in it. Oliver’s backers might as well tie bundles of cash to cement blocks and drop them in the Hudson.

It was 30 minutes into this movie before I had the slightest clue regarding what anyone was talking about. And it was 31 minutes in when I decided I didn’t care.

alexander_farrell.jpgWhat’s with Colin Farrell’s bad dye job? Before Alexander conquered half the world he evidently conquered half the world’s supply of L’Oréal, various Southern California beaches, and a number of David Lee Roth videos.

“By Zeus, I’m amped over the primo hodads, bra!,” he said. “Before we battle the savages let’s go toes-on-the-nose with these posers. As the Gods are my witness, Cowabunga, savages!”

Angelina Jolie is Colin’s mom, even though these two are separated by only one year and numerous bizarre exchanges of bodily fluid with Billy Bob Thornton. Whenever Angelina opens her mouth you’re in store for two uncut pages of rambling, pointless monologue about how great Alexander is.

I’m glad someone thinks so.

A horribly miscast Val Kilmer has only one good eye which makes him the envy of this audience – except for the one good eye.

Anthony Hopkins earns another payment on that beach house thanks to his role as an aging Dr. Loomis on the hunt for psycho-killer Michael Myers. Hopkins wanders about his terrace as minions water scores of obviously plastic plants amidst a selection of statues that look barely authentic enough to stand in your local Chucky Cheese.

alexander_connelly.jpgThere is a train wreck of conflicting accents in this melting potted mess, none of them even remotely local to the setting. Colin speaks with an Irish twang, Kilmer sounds like he could welcome you to Wal*Mart, and Angelina seems to hail from the Persian shores of Transylvania.

Alexander certainly favored the musical theater of his era, not to mention the boys in the chorus. You have Colin looking like Cameron Diaz and his sometime lover and warrior-partner Jared Leto the spitting image of Jennifer Connelly. I’d root for these boys to kiss, but it’s too much girl-on-girl action.

So Alexander counsels with his key generals, Peterallenicus, Willandgraceicus, Clayaikenicus, Eltonjohnicus, and Seacrestouticus. It’s time for battle!

“Our armies are free to clash – except for their colors,” says Jared Leto as he and Alexander move little military figures across a terrain map of Nordstrom’s annual one-day men’s sale.

By Zeus, if you see Alexander standing before his troops, rest assured the fighting will not commence until Colin completes a long-ass pep talk so leisurely his enemies literally surrender out of sheer boredom.

Always fear an army of pretty men in skirts, I advise my troops. By the sweet breath of Aphrodite, if they can’t conquer the world at least they can make it safe for Cher. Never before have I seen an army move into battle and belt out the song “YMCA” at the same time, let alone in flawless four-part harmony.

Rarely does Alexander cover his two-tone gold locks, and when he does it’s with a helmet that suggests he’s out to battle a Shriner’s convention.

Rosario Dawson, the manliest man in this man’s army, is Colin’s wife. She can’t decide whether she wants to cut Colin’s throat or have feisty sex. These two were the Liza and David of their day, for Zeus’s sake!

Oh the pain of it all! Frequent warring results in acres of injured extras – who look less harmed by battle than by some funky craft service.

Behind the scenes, word has it that Colin bedded everything with at least two legs and a scarcity of self-esteem, including a bevy of actors, locals, and one very shy camel who assumed the offer to “hump” was some form of physical therapy.

“By the glorious man-meat of Apollo,” Colin says, “this film is creaking to its final scene!”

Alexander makes Troy look like Gone with the Wind. It is beyond bad, well into drinking game bad. I’m talking hugely, monstrously, comically bad. This must be what Hell is like, by Hades!

Alexander the Great? More like Alexander the Unbearable.

Photos Copyright ©2004 Warner Bros. Pictures


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