By Mark Ramsey | 2005/03/14

“We have a hostage situation!”

You know it’s only a matter of time before those words are uttered because you’d have to go back to the Silent era to find a hostage movie that didn’t speak them – and even then they were printed on a title card!

“We have a hostage situation!” – you hear it whenever anyone in the movies is taken against their will, which includes every significant other in the audience of Hostage.

So I rang up Paul Newman, and he and I have licensed the line. Look for Newman’s Own “We Have a Hostage Situation” Applesauce in a grocery aisle near you, beside Newman’s Own “I’m Too Old for this Shit” Genuine Maple Syrup.

“Would you sacrifice another family to save your own?” Hostage asks. Of course I would! Which one do I start with? Or should I use my own list, which I’ve had prepared hostage_phonesitin.jpg

for years?

Another Miramax movie in English! “How will I be able to demonstrate my verbal dexterity in every one of the world’s 344 living and dead languages!” cried a despondent Gwyneth Paltrow, while her Apple was bobbing for breakfast.

A hostage drama. Now there’s something you don’t see every day – more like every other day. Except in real-life a “hostage incident” is rarely undertaken by three unbalanced and bored teenage stooges hopped up on Red Bull and holding out for their key demand: A spot in front of the line for Star Wars III.

I would like to tell you my attention was held Hostage. Unfortunately it was released on its own recognizance shortly after the opening credits and was free to come and go as it pleased.

When the luminous, warm glow of the exit sign is more enticing than the luminous, warm glow of Bruce Willis’s big round head, then it’s time for Miramax to issue an A.P.B. because my attention has just jumped bail.

Willis loves the bald look, though Miramax executives were so startled by his appearance in rushes they asked when in the film the alien autopsy would begin.

Hostage opens with Willis as a grizzled negotiator with blood on his hands and worthless Planet Hollywood stock in his portfolio – “On paper, Myrtle Beach was the perfect location” he mumbles to himself as he wipes off the blood with some hostage_rumer.jpg

Class C Common.

Right away folks die, thus creating the traditional “damaged hero with something to prove” motivation that will rear its ugly head later as predictably as a climactic slow-motion hero-run to a stock operatic score.

Bruce’s real-life daughter Rumer plays his movie daughter. This is the first time I’ve seen the teenaged Rumer, and indeed she looks like a reunion between Bruce, Demi Moore, and some between-meal Twinkies.

Kevin Pollak is a well-heeled dad who evidently makes a living by burning DVD’s of Hollywood movies. Yes there’s lots of money to be made by illegally copying the 1943 version of Heaven Can Wait. “Organized crime considers any Don Ameche performance a priceless one,” said Vincent “The Paring Knife” Pasquale, Miramax chief of cement galoshes. “Not that I would know.”

But in a meta-twist, Bruce’s own family is taken hostage to pressure him to recover the illegal DVD. If Bruce doesn’t deliver that DVD his family will be killed, which has to be every Netflix employee’s worst nightmare.

As for me, Hostage is nightmare enough.

Photos Copyright ©2005 Miramax Films

Contents and Design by MovieJuice Copyright ©2005 All Rights Reserved


Comments are closed.

Enter your own funny caption

caption this

“This is where we would kiss if I was attracted to girls”