XXX- State of the Union

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By Mark Ramsey | 2005/04/29

Leave it to the new Triple-X, Ice Cube. This State of the Union is on the rocks.

Where’s Vin Diesel, the original XXX, you may ask? Well, in Hollywood when your salary reach exceeds your box office grasp you’re summarily executed off-screen in Bora Bora, which is both a destination and the feeling you get watching all Diesel-powered movies.

The Feds need an agent with “more attitude” and a lower price-tag. So where do you find “attitude”? Prison, of course! Yes, says the National Security Agency: “We’re looking for a few good incarcerated men.”

And whom do you recruit? Why, the barber with the weight problem, Mr. Ice Cube! The con unfairly imprisoned for xxxstate_fly.jpg

“taking off a little too much on the sides.” If by “more attitude” you mean “more of a favorable attitude about between-meal snacks,” then you’ve found your dogg, G.

“XXX,” you’ll remember, is a designation for deep cover agents with “special skills.” Unfortunately, in this case those skills don’t include the ability to open a movie.

As an actor, Cube specializes in the angry snarl. He’s pissed from the first frame to the last. I don’t know about you, but if I want this much anger on the screen I’ll watch C-SPAN.

Never able to turn down an opportunity to scream at the top of his lungs, Samuel Jackson returns as the boss. He has a scar on his face which now officially matches the one on his everlasting soul.

As the President, Peter Strauss is taking a few moments from his busy schedule of gardening with Miracle Gro, a product which evidently is not miraculous enough to conjure the “w” in “grow.”

So Cube boldly but easily busts out of jail to join Jackson’s team, leading to the obvious question: If Jackson and his government bosses want to get Cube out of jail, can’t they just authorize someone to open his cell door? Oh, here I go, xxxstate_bosom.jpg

trying to be logical in a movie where logic is in solitary confinement and quality is on death row.

Is it common for government hires to drive tricked out cars? This must be what the “black ops” budget is for: to pimp Uncle Sam’s ride.

So into the world of high stakes political and military gamesmanship strides Ice Cube. It’s a world where all the bras push up and the only boobs bouncing are the idiots in the lowriders.

Fast cars, fast women, fast tunes, everything but fast pacing. Slow moving tank battles are not very exciting. It’s like watching Sumo wrestlers sprint.

Before our very eyes Con Cube becomes Patrick Henry Cube: “If Decker takes over, freedom won’t be free for long,” he proclaims, cradling a book in one hand and hoisting a torch with the other. “Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to be suckered by the Hollywood establishment.”

So let’s sum up: Wrongly accused, the con is sprung from jail, he teams with a gang of neighborhood thugs, and they set out in their pimped out rides to bust a conspiracy and save the U.S. of A.

This is a muscle car fantasy for muscle heads. There’s no better way for The Man to keep The Brother down than by manufacturing power fantasies for the powerless like this. No job? No prospects? No problem. Here’s a fast car, you just saved the world.

Does Cube win the day? Sure. But more importantly he gets the girl, who can barely contain both her enthusiasm and her bosom, rarely in that order.

Thanks to XXX I was able to catch some Z-Z-Z’s. History will recall this movie by another name: XXX: End of the Franchise.


Photos Copyright ©2005 Columbia Pictures.

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