Star Wars Episode III- Revenge of the Sith

By Mark Ramsey | 2005/05/22

Sing along with me:

Buzz droids on roses and Battle droids on kittens

Protocol droid kettles and Vulture droid mittens

Droids who produce Law and Order I-Chings

These are a few of my favorite things

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away large muppety creatures waged war on each other instead of living harmoniously on Sesame Street like they do here. It’s hard to be intimidated by an army of characters who talk like Daffy Duck.

“I sense a great disturbance in the force,” said Jedi Master Mace Windu, “and it’s a new series starring Jenny McCarthy on UPN.”

An ambitious warrior hungers for authority, love, and respect so he accepts a role as apprentice to a powerful, mad, ruthless Lord. Granted, Donald Trump can’t shoot lightning from his fingers, but if he could it would no doubt be the tallest, most expensive, most luxurious, most fabulous dany_starwars.jpglightning ever to escape a fingertip. All Donald needs is a better hood than the one he calls his “hair”:

“Count Dooku, yeh fired!”

If there ever was any doubt that Hayden Christensen would turn evil his overzealous shoulder-pads should set us straight. With head lowered and eyes burning, when a guy this pretty looks this angry his manpanion had better steer clear.

And speaking of manpanions, C-3PO, the most fastidious droid in the universe, is polished, glossy, and gold. “Oh dear,” he cackled, “I’m flamboyant enough to wed Liza Minnelli.”

What’s up with R2-D2? That little dome-headed bastard has evolved from rolling luggage to Inspector Gadget. He shoots fire, he sprays oil, he hoists a periscope, and Adam Curry reports he will now be able to download podcasts under his new guise: mp3-2D2.

Back to our story:

Check out this excerpt from the Sith script:


I love you more


No, I love you more


No, I love YOU more

Where did George Lucas write this scene, inside his locker door at school?

Natalie Portman is looking fine. And now we know cinnamon-roll hair is an inherited trait. As every Star Wars fan is well aware, Natalie is destined to reveal her twins, and not the twins we were all hoping to see, if you know what I mean. Then again, this movie is rated PG-Considerably-Less-Than-13.

Obi-Wan’s preferred mode of transportation is atop a giant dino-lizard that bucks like a bronco. Said Obi-Wan: “The force is strong – on my ass!”

starwars_cliff.jpgRev up the climax:

“If you’re not with me, you’re my enemy” Anakin tells Obi-Wan as they clash sabers in battle.

“Only a Sith – and the leader of the Free World – deal in absolutes,” replied Obi-Wan.

“I want to rule the galaxy,” said Anakin, “I just wish it weren’t so long ago and far away from the one containing Scarlett Johansson,” he sighed.

“I’m with you, my young Padawan,” said Obi-Wan.

Cut to:

“Good relations with the Wookies, I have,” said Master Yoda as he ventured to a planet where everyone looks like Robin Williams except they’re all on their meds.

As the sorrow over the apparent end of the Star Wars saga sets in, Yoda had a message for geeks everywhere, “The fear of loss is the path to the dark side.”

“Besides,” he added, “after thirty years, time to kiss a girl it is.”

Added George Lucas: “Now fans are free to use their penises for something other than pissing on Jar-Jar. May the force of the real world be with you!”

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