War of the Worlds

By Mark Ramsey | 2005/07/04

Hear the innermost thoughts of War of the Worlds star Dakota Fanning – or is it?strong>

Come and listen to a story about a man named Tom

A poor constructioneer, billion dollar smile aplomb,

Then one day lightning made a big dern hole,

And up through the ground came a family man role.

Star-turn that is, swimming pools, movie stars.

Well the first thing you know Tom’s running from the scare, Kinfolk said Tom move away from there

Said Californy is the place you ought to be

So they started up the shoot on Impossible 3.

Mission, that is. Blockbuster sequel, big points on the first-dollar gross.

Can Tom Cruise save humanity from attacking, malevolent aliens?

Only if aliens are vulnerable to big, broad, toothy smiles!

Why these aliens, they…hate freedom!



It’s a lightning strike in the Ukraine! Are aliens about to emerge from the ground to slaughter all of humanity? Sure, but more importantly, the Ukraine has just discovered electricity! “If only we could contain this power,” said one Ukrainian official, “the peasants would no longer have to forge spears by candlelight!”

But back in the USA Tom Cruise is having real trouble. Tom’s sky darkens, the power blinks out, and – worst of all – it’s on trash day!

Either the universe is striking back at Tom for temporarily boosting the career of Penelope Cruz, or we’re under attack!

You know heroism is endangered when even Tom Cruise has concluded that the best way to cope with trouble is to run from it. Finally, a hero who behaves the way I would!

And Tom had better run because these aliens are intent on obliterating humanity – one person at a time.

One person at a time?!

Isn’t that like eating rice one grain at a time?

“Wait, how can rice be a grain if sand is a grain” said Jessica Simpson as she was laser-exfoliated out of existence. “WE DO NOT LIKE THE STINKY BUTT,” explained one alien, as others nodded in agreement.

“If we don’t run,” said Tom, “we’ll be disintegrated by an alien ray, and that’s even worse than an anal probe…depending on the alien.”

Tom’s son is a surly teen. Leave it to a teenager to be difficult when the entire world is on fire. If ever there was a time to tether one’s ravenous search for identity, the end of waroftheworlds_refugees.jpg

the world would pretty much be it.

Dakota Fanning is Tom’s daughter. No actor plays under-12 panic like flying saucer-eyed Dakota Fanning. “I’m the pre-teen Maggie Smith,” says Dakota, “if Maggie Smith had a stripper name.”

I don’t know about you, but if I had a technology so advanced I could reach Earth from millions of light years away, I’d design war machines that didn’t walk on stiletto heels. Where’s the cosmic common sense in that?

And these alien gizmos have big suction cups for feet, as if they had escaped from gigantic patio sliding glass doors!

They’ve been hiding underground for millions of years – back when Joan Rivers played to sold-out audiences of single-celled organisms, oozing-room only.

Tom and Dakota join Tim Robbins in a dank basement. Tim has a plan, even though that plan involves an ax, a shotgun, and, evidently, a lapsed lithium prescription.

Near the climax, an alien asshole-like contraption sucks Tom in only to eject him moments later. Noted Brooke Shields: “Tom may have his head up his ass, but no alien wants his head up theirs, too.”

An alien spokesman explained this apparent change of heart differently, and in so doing illustrated a key difference between human and alien anatomy: “We had to get that Katie Holmes taste out of our mouths.”War of the Worlds is spectacle enough. But the story itself is – and always has been – thinner than Lindsay Lohan. The best thing about this movie is the trailer – the one for December’s King Kong.

Well now its time to say good-bye to Tom and all his kin. The exhibitor’d like to thank you folks fer kindly droppin’ in. We know it’s hard to leave the house to watch a silly flick,

When for every child role Dakota Fanning has first pick.

Set a spell. Take your shoes off.

Y’all come back now, y’hear?

Photo Copyright ©2005 Paramount Pictures

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