The Island

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By Mark Ramsey | 2005/07/26

The Last Will and Testament of The Island director Michael Bay

I, Michael Bay, a resident and citizen of Los Angeles County, being of really loud and gratuitously raucous sound mind, do hereby declare this instrument to be my last Will and Testament.

1. THIS WILL IS ACCOMPANIED by a short film version where my body is run off the road at excruciatingly high speed and explodes into a thousand fragments. Each fragment in turn zooms off in tiny sports cars and is run off more roads at higher, more amazing speeds and blasted into even tinier fragments. This goes on for about fifteen minutes, until almost nothing is driven off almost everything at a velocity so close to the speed of light my disembodied parts will cease aging altogether even as the audience gets old, tired, and bored.

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2. I HEREBY GRANT that my passing will cue great joy and celebration throughout the land, immediately decreasing filmed sequences of carnage by two-thirds and finally making the world safe for character, plot, and story.

3. I HEREBY GRANT my ghost the right to wander the halls of the Kodak Theatre forever speaking the words I was never capable of speaking in life: “I’d like to thank the Academy for this award….”

4. I HEREBY GRANT all dialogue from my movies to be placed in a tiny thimble, where it will fit with plenty of room to spare.

5. I NOMINATE, CONSTITUTE, AND APPOINT my lifeless corpse to be the sole Executor and Trustee of my Will. If you want to hire said lifeless corpse, contact my agent, Rob Carlson, at William Morris. I’m not the only stiff they handle, but don’t tell them that.

6. I GIVE AND BEQUEST all my property, including gains ill-gotten from many of the worst movies ever to grace the silver screen, to the starving children of Uganda. Because eating prints of The Island is bound to be more fulfilling than watching them.

7. I GIVE AND BEQUEST to Ewan McGregor the career of Lorenzo Lamas and to Scarlett Johansson the career of Cheryl Ladd, because that’s who the SciFi channel would have cast in this movie if they had ruined the script before I did.

8. I GIVE AND BEQUEST to future generations the notion that a pantsuit, the uniform of choice for car mechanics, will one day be the uniform of choice for you.

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9. I GIVE AND BEQUEST to Caspian Tredwell-Owen, writer of the original script for The Island, his first draft, so he can have this movie remade using the words and ideas he actually wrote instead of the action sequences that replaced them. I’ve never filmed a script that didn’t include the words “and helicopters threateningly appeared in the sky, pointlessly following our heroes…,” and I’m not going to start now.

10. I GIVE AND BEQUEST to all film critics a tiny piece of my ass which I encourage them to kiss or kick, depending on whether they’re interviewing me in person or writing a review from the safety of their keyboards.

11. I GIVE AND BEQUEST to all my audiences a sincere and profound apology for The Island. I would have been better off putting in a light saber sequence for Ewan and draping Scarlett in a Fantastic Four uniform.

IN TESTIMONY WHEREOF I have to this my Last Will and Testament written upon this and the preceding pages of paper, subscribed my name this 26th day of July, A.D. 2005.

SIGNED, PUBLISHED, AND DECLARED by the said Testator as and for the Testator’s Last Will & Testament, in the presence of us, both present at the same time.

Witnesses:

Steven Spielberg and Jeffrey Katzenberg, the DreamWorks principals who just lost a ton of money on The Island.


Photo Copyright ©2005 DreamWorks SKG

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