A Sound of Thunder

By Mark Ramsey | 2005/09/05

What sound does thunder make when there’s no one in the theater to hear it? The sound of studio accountants crying and Time Warner investors banging their heads on their portfolios, that’s what.

The studio didn’t even bother to drop this movie into many theaters for fear it might fall and break something. Did the listings include GPS coordinates?

Other than the peculiar breed of masochists called film critics, I can count on a few fingers the number of people who’ve seen A Sound of Thunder - and that includes the family and friends of cast and crew.

Of course, what can you expect when a studio spends $80 million on a picture in 2003 only to use the master print as a soundofthunder_protection.jpg

chopping surface for the studio’s stash? “Even if we can’t get lines around the corner we can line it up on the master!” said one anonymous studio rep.

Hey, 700 days of ripening always makes a fruit tastier, doesn’t it?

It doesn’t?!

Look, someone has to follow the career of Ed Burns, an actor who has descended from Steven Spielberg to Antonio Sabato Jr. so fast it’s as if his career tripped down a B-movie waterslide at Six Flags. Watch your back, David Keith! Ed Burns will meet you and Lorenzo Lamas at the Johnny Rockets on Melrose for tea and sympathy.

Ed is known around Hollywood as the poor man’s Ben Affleck – which was fine until Ben Affleck became the poor man’s Ben Affleck.

Ed: “Hey Ben, I’m the poor man’s you!”

Ben: “Back off, Ed, I’M the poor man’s me!”

Ed’s also known as the one-time boyfriend of Heather Graham. Then again, who isn’t? Heather opens to a bigger audience every night than this movie will experience in its entire run.

Ed costars with Ben Kingsley, an actor who’s very selective about his roles – he only takes the ones he can hit blindfolded with a dart, which is certainly the best way to enjoy A Sound of Thunder.

Kingsley has evidently given up the Oscar chase for chasing the lower-than-common denominator. “I took this role because I could have more hair on my head than Jodie Foster has on her legs,” said Kingsley. And not just any hair, I’m talkin’ pure white Cesar Romero Joker-style hair.

Added Kingsley: “My makeup people say it’s expensive to powder my nose because they need a puff the size of Greenland!”

Dear Warners, why not simply throw $80 million out your Burbank office windows and film it as it scatters to the wind? That would certainly make a better movie than this did. Of course, so would a movie of Kingsley and Burns picking their respective noses. A better movie and – in Kingsley’s case – a much more time-consuming one.

So Kingsley runs a time-travel outfit that enables wealthy patrons to venture back to the Cretaceous where they kill the same dinosaur over and over again. If only moviegoers could go back and prevent Meg Ryan from inflating her lips soundofthunder_kingsley.jpg

like she’s handing out bee-stung balloon animals at a kid’s birthday party.

Whenever you time travel it’s very important not to mess with things that affect the future. It turns out that even a single butterfly can alter the course of evolution – particularly if this butterfly is tattooed over Britney Spears’ crotch.

Naturally, the proper nature of things gets mucked up. But it turns out that time doesn’t change all at once. Oh no. There are waves of time that sweep over humanity the way waves of regret sweep over anyone watching this movie.

And with each wave, a higher plane of evolution is altered, culminating in changes to the most highly developed form of nature’s handiwork: Jessica Alba.

Squash just one butterfly and millions of years later evolution yields bird-asaurases, monkey-saurases, and a a-sore-ass.

If it’s a cold, dark, and lonely room you want, by all means go see this movie. But you’ve been warned: A Sound of Thundermakes Catwoman look like Catablanca.

Photos Copyright ©2005 Warner Bros Pictures

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