Basic Instinct 2

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By Mark Ramsey | 2006/04/03

Basic Instinct 2 landed with a thud at the box-office, ranking 10th out of 9. It earned a scant 3 million bucks which, ironically, is exactly what I would have paid the filmmakers not to make it in the first place.

Why didn’t you guys just ask first?!

This movie is sexy in the way your grandma is when she puts on her good apron. Even orbiting the big 5-0, Sharon Stone can talk dirty. But it’s just not the same Basic Instinct when the erotic lingo goes like this:

“Those are some sexy age spots you’ve got there!”

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“Yes,” says Sharon. “I seduced my physician into auto-erotic asphyxiation during my last checkup for melanoma. And my breasts have been so thoroughly examined the FDA has okayed their over-the-counter use.”

And here I thought Basic Instinct 2 was the kind of national threat that Homeland Security was supposed to protect us from.

Sharon Stone hasn’t aged a day in 14 years – because she has aged 14 years! She thinks she’s appreciating like a Manhattan condo, but the bubble has burst while rates of interest tumble.

Even her voice, once sultry, is now double-parked at the corner of Lauren Bacall Blvd. and Suzanne Pleshette Lane.

Wrapped in focus softer than a Celine Dion ballad, Sharon is buffed to a brilliant gloss – unfortunately all the spark is in Michael Douglas’ hair-plugs because Douglas wisely decided to sit this one out – “I was laughing too hard at the idea of it,” he explained.

It’s off to the UK for Sharon Stone – and time for Jane Austen to meet Jacqueline Susann. There, she terrorizes a cast of no-name-ish bench-warmers stuck in that casting basic_dany.jpg

Hell between Harry Potter and James Bond franchises.

The opening credits are still rolling while Sharon is sucking some guy’s finger along with my will to live. She zooms off a dock and splashes into the water as she shoves his hand into her crotch where, perhaps, scuba gear has been carefully stowed.

I’d like to say it’s all downhill from there, but to go downhill you need a little momentum.

And a hill.

Having seduced an A-list actor 14 years ago, Sharon careens rapidly down to the B’s, zeroing in on David Morrissey who, at one point, has sex with a woman while ogling Sharon’s picture – or is it George Washington’s? Without the cherry tree, who can tell?

Sharon still maintains she never knew her “V” was being photographed in the original Basic Instinct. “I figured the hair and makeup team between my legs was just a perk,” she says. Personally, I’m less interested in what’s between those legs that in what’s between me and the exit.

Sharon has this character down to a campy art. If she worked it any harder she’d need a top hat and a gaggle of Busby Berkeley chorines.

This new chapter is unintentionally funny, but not funny enough or unintentional enough. The Hollywood math speaks volumes: Good ideas may come and go, but greed is forever.


Photos Copyright ©2006 Columbia Pictures

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“This is where we would kiss if I was attracted to girls”