Here’s your mission, should you choose to accept it.
Meet Tom Cruise, passionate couch-jumper and devoted practitioner of Scientology. A man who would rather vanish into a black hole than step for even a nanosecond outside the spotlight, as if “outside the spotlight” and “into a black hole” are any different.
Tom recently sired a child, and you would know this because the last time a newborn received this much publicity three wise men were dispatched to bring him gifts.
Tom tells his oblivious friends that he’s employed by the Department of Transportation. Silly friends. Don’t they know D.O.T. workers need to be at least as tall as the car window to take the highway tolls?!
Tom returns to a role he made famous as the secret weapon of the IMF, the rather pessimistically titled “Impossible Mission Force.”
Says Tom: “We were going to call it the ‘Department of Rear-Kicking,’ but the acronym D.O.R.K. didn’t sit right with Paramount for some reason.”
Once again, Tom is surrounded by two kinds of people: Beautiful ones and ugly ones, and guess which kind dies? The former gather in Beverly Hills while the latter congregate at the Swap Meet, despite being as undesirable to swap as they are to meet.
Tom’s boss is Laurence Fishburne, looking particularly beefy nowadays. No doubt Larry is living off the fat of all that Matrix money, not to mention his own fat and the fat of several random members of his entourage.
Tom is threatened by the evil Philip Seymour Hoffman. “You mean my arch-enemy is a big, puffy, marshmallow-man whose greatest danger is to a game-day six-pack and an unopened bag of chips?”
That’s right, Tom, it’s Capote gone mad, and he’s not just going to kill you, he’s going to mythologize you to death!
Treachery is afoot in the IMF. Treachery always seems to be afoot in the IMF, but this time it’s a rabbit’s foot!
Yes, the “rabbit’s foot,” a code name for a mysterious weapon of unknown nature. “Either this device can destroy the world, or it will help the world scamper across a field,” declares Cruise.
To nab the rabbit’s foot, Tom contemplates swinging from one skyscraper to the next. “I haven’t done much swinging since my days with Nicole,” Tom mutters wistfully.
Keri Russell returns from the Land of Former TV Stars for a quickly dispatched role as Tom’s former trainee. Says Keri: “One day I’m playing Sudoku with Eddie Munster and Dick Van Patten. The next I’m on set with Tom Cruise! I don’t know who my agent is, but he’s a wonderful man or woman!”
Keri is held captive in a conveniently vacant warehouse. Says Hoffman, “we wanted to hide her in a large, remote, and empty site that would be easy for Tom to invade and blow up. Maybe we didn’t think it through.”
Just as Tom rescues Keri something bad happens and what looks like ice forms over Keri’s eye. “As good as a mirror in a pinch,” says Tom, as he flips on his portable ultraviolet smile-whitener.
In an effort to disguise his profession from his girlfriend, Tom impulsively proposes marriage. Cut to the wedding every girl dreams of: Some hospital scrubs, passers-by carrying drips with their asses showing, and a wedding night pressed up against the colostomy bags in a linen closet. Oh, that romantic Tom!
In the thick of the mission, Tom manufactures a Philip Seymour Hoffman mask, which will come in handy if Tom is ever invited to a “go as your favorite Oscar winner” Halloween party.
Time to storm the Vatican!
“Tom’s going in hot!”
“You bet he is!” quipped Ving Rhames.
“You bet I am!” shouted Tom.
“Breach in 60 seconds!”
“Alpha team, this is Bravo team.”
“Bravo, what’s your E.T.A?”
“I don’t know, ask Abrams, it’s his jargon.”
That’s director and co-writer J.J. Abrams, the creator of TV’s Alias. Here is a man who knows that at the heart of every tale of international intrigue and skullduggery is a sexy babe in a disco wearing a skin-tight catsuit and a fluorescent wig. Ah, espionage! It’s French for “why should I shave under my arms, I’m smoking!”
Suddenly, Tom’s in a panic! “Something has gone up my nose,” he says, “and if it explodes I’m dead!”
“That happened to Lindsay Lohan,” said Ving, “but it just made her peppy and skinny.”
Say what you want about Tom Cruise, but this guy knows how to deliver the goods, and M:I-3 delivers those goods in spades. I loved every minute of it. Watching Tom save the world makes me think I can, too.
One couch-jump at a time.
This website will self-destruct in five seconds.
And maybe it’s best that way.
Photos Copyright ©2006 Paramount Pictures
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