X-Men: Last Stand

By Mark Ramsey | 2006/06/05

The great thing about the X-Men: The Last Stand is that it reminds us of the importance of being different. “That’s why I stand in line to see the same movie as everybody else,” said one moviegoer, who wouldn’t tell me his name for fear of standing out from the crowd.

Some say there’s a subtext about homosexuality here, but with heroes in leather, purple-clad villains, and a shirtless guy with wings, I can’t imagine that’s true.

Once again, Magneto is the source of terror, although how much can you fear a villain with “neat-o” in his name? I may not be able to lift a tractor trailer with my mind, but my mind is still sharp enough to avoid a helmet that makes my head look like a grape.


But now Magneto has a new weapon, an X-Woman back from the dead, now turned to the dark side, or at least the side featuring colors in darker tones. “That’s what they get for not naming our group X-PERSONS!” says Famke Janssen, an actress who is one X-sequel away from a hosting gig on the Travel Channel.

What can you say about a movie that kills off some of the best X-Men only to introduce some X minus Y men, like one whose gift is a set of wings – that’s like equipping a nuclear age warrior with some stones and a sling.

Yes, as a boy Ben Foster tried to cut off those lovely wings. Sadly, when he went off to X-Men school Ben’s parents suffered empty nest syndrome.


And that’s just the tip of this X-berg:

RECOIL IN FEAR from the new X-man who can fly a paper plane around a mansion by force of will alone! As long as the enemy hasn’t mastered the force of a gentle breeze, you’ve got it made.

WINCE at the X-Woman who can wave her hand over a notebook to take notes, the kind of banal skill which makes voice recognition software look like magic jungle voodoo.

BRACE YOURSELF for the X-Woman who can walk through walls, a skill some would say has been outmoded thanks to the miracle of the “door.”

MARVEL at the X-Women one who moves all jumpy like every ghost in a Japanese horror flick, because if you could be in many places at once you wouldn’t need a publicist.

STARE WITH SYMPATHY at X-Man Kelsey Grammer, who is bluer than blue, sadder than sad. Said Kelsey, “You’re the only light this empty room has ever had.”

“I never thought being blue could be a mutation,” said Grammer, “but then I met Fiona Apple and was convinced of it.”


PITY the fearsome Wolverine, with his absurdly dense head of hair so oddly coiffed he can defeat Magneto by simply amusing him to death.

SCRATCH YOUR HEAD at Rogue, whose gift is an ability to kill everyone she touches. “It’s very handy when I’m in line at the DMV,” she noted.

Homeland Security has been tracking Magneto: “Look for the old British guy in the goofy purple helmet,” said Homeland Security chief Michael Chertoff. “The one who looks like a server at Medieval Times.”

I notice that none of the “mutants” is cursed with the mutation of ugliness! “Of what possible use is that?” asked Petroleo, the new X-man who can pump gas into your tank for less than $3 bucks a gallon. “Our skills may be pathetic, but by God we’re going to look good exercising them.” said Bargaino, who can find the best price at hundreds at online shopping sites simultaneously.

And then there’s the money shot: Magneto moves the Golden Gate bridge so he get to Alcatraz without taking the ferry like everybody else. “It was either that or swim,” said Magneto, “and if America wants a wet mutant it already has David Blaine.”

Stripped of her powers and her blue sheen, Rebecca Romijn is left naked and alone. “As long as I’m naked I’m unlikely to be alone for long,” she noted, as a gathering of comic fans bent over to form a human stretcher and carried her away to some guy’s bedroom in the basement of his dad’s house. “I have built an exact replica of sick bay from the U.S.S. Enterprise,” he explained.

X-Men: The Last Stand doesn’t quite stand up to the previous chapter, but who cares, really?

Photos Copyright ©2006 20th Century Fox

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