Click

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By Mark Ramsey | 2006/06/24

According to the NBC Nightly News with Brian Williams, surveys indicate Americans want to know two things: “Why are gas prices so high?” and “Where are the movies with fart jokes and dogs humping stuffed animals?”

Adam Sandler’s Click can help you answer one of these questions, and I’ll let you guess which one.

It was only a few weeks ago that the coming of the anti-Christ was foretold in The Omen starring Liev Schreiber and David Thewlis and not a single chin as far as the eye can see.

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Well, chins were abundant in the theater at Click, and Adam Sandler is working overtime to make yours quiver with regret that you’re not home with your rugrats who are even now rummaging through mommy’s panty drawer and lighting up daddy’s funny cigarettes.

“I got something in my eye,” says half the audience, as the easily manipulated cry a river thanks to a syrupy sweetness that is anything but 100% pure.

“Please help us slit our throats,” says the other half.

Click is It’s a Wonderful Life for imbeciles. Now I love Wonderful Life but Jimmy Stewart never wrote a song that went “So drink your gin-and-tonic-ah, and smoke your marijuanic-ah.” And while Jimmy did once play opposite a giant rabbit, at least it was invisible.

There’s an unfamiliar maturity to Click. Adam has aged from jerk to tear jerk. The former is more honest, while the latter means I need clip clothespins to my gonads and hang them out to dry.

Adam is a workaholic dad. He misses his son’s swim meet, he can’t finish the tree-house, he postpones the family camping trip – all that stuff is an inconvenient interruption to his workday. Naturally, fate conspires to teach Adam a lesson and it comes at your expense and mine, friends.

Click opens with a soundtrack from 1980 and an occasional ditty from the Captain and Tennille, thus explaining the disclaimer above the box-office window. Where was this Captain when the Poseidon set sail?

Adam has two young kids who look never to have been within 60 yards of Kate Beckinsale’s loins. In fact, Kate’s loins appear to have been preserved in Plexiglas high on a shelf at the American Film Institute awaiting Return to Pearl Harbor.

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There’s very little for Kate to do here but appear in doorways with her hands on her hips in outfits measurably cuter than standard soccer mom fare.

Adam and Kate are the kind of couple that can only be found together where one spouse can open any movie and the other can open any movie about Lycans and Vampires.

Preston Sturges had William Demarest and Adam Sandler has Rob Schneider – and if that comparison hasn’t already made you throw yourself out the window, let’s hope you’re on the ground floor.

Schneider cameos as an Arab prince named “Habeeboo” whose name is hilariously mis-pronounced as “hubba-hubba,” and by “hilariously” I mean “wake me when it’s over.”

If you had told me that David Hasselhoff would be starring in the number one movie at the box-office this weekend, I would have suggested that you shouldn’t read your tea leaves in a cup of gin. But there he is, Mr. Baywatch: “I haven’t been this proud since I single-handedly reunified Germany,” said Hasselhoff who then sulks as he contemplates his failure to reunify Pamela Anderson and Yasmine Bleeth.

So Adam makes a late night trip for a universal remote which makes him the only person ever to have made a late night trip for a universal remote.

“We have universal remotes in stock,” says 7-Eleven spokesperson Chandrashekhar “Chan” Slurpeevasan. “But normally we use them to fast forward past hold-ups to the point where charges are dropped and the perpetrator is set free.”

This remote can do it all: Silence his dog, adjust the tint or the aspect ratio, skip chapters – everything but insert a commentary track, which my head was busy doing on its own.

Adam can fast-forward or rewind to re-experience any part of his life – except for several weeks on the set of Spanglish. “Not even the remote control saw that movie,” explained Adam.

Adam lands a promotion at work and, in his enthusiasm, buys his kids brand new bikes. Oops! Promotion delayed! And now he needs to return the bikes! “O cruel, irreligious piety!” groans Adam’s eight-year-old daughter in Click’s only nod to anything resembling Shakespeare.

Christopher Walken has reached that certain age when a distinguished character actor and Bea Arthur are essentially doppelgangers. “But instead of Maude, I’m maudlin,” explains Walken, inserting awkward and unnatural pauses between…every…word.

Adam eventually ages so much he’s qualified to host a segment of 60 Minutes: “Didj’a ever wonder where are the movies with fart jokes and pets humping stuffed animals?”

Click has the distinction of being the first Sandler movie where Adam has a heart attack, and I know just how his heart feels.

As the saying goes, every time a bell rings an angel gets points on the first dollar gross. And no man is a failure who has a production deal with Sony.

Then I break open a popcorn kernel and unspool the fortune inside: “You get the life you choose,” it says.

Or, in Rob Schneider’s case, you get the one Adam Sandler chooses for you.


Photos Copyright ©2006 Sony Pictures

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