Superman Returns

By Mark Ramsey | 2006/06/27

Superman is my favorite character with blue hair, not counting the blue-haired characters who take in Broadway matinees.

He’s tall, dark, handsome, and equipped with a permanently displaced hair cowlick that could use a Super-stylist and some Super-gel.

A cowlick of steel comes in handy, though. “I hang my dry cleaning there when my hands are full,” says Superman, “and it’s handy for towing my ‘Double-Wide Trailer of Solitude’.”


The man of the steel cowlick has returned from a journey to the remnants of his home planet where the remnants of Marlon Brando’s Jor-El outtakes are stored. “Before he kissed Larry King on the lips, he was once my father,” said a glum Superman.

“The world is in danger,” cried a newsboy. “Can’t the universe send us a savior, preferably in skin-tight spandex and red briefs?”

“Maroon,” replied a sonic boom of a voice, “maroon is the new red!” Yes, Superman has returned! And evil has something to fear!

“Actually, it’s hard to fear a man in a wrap with a cowlick,” said Kevin Spacey. “Usually such a man has a toy poodle under one arm.”

As Superman, Brandon Routh looks like his father was Jor-El and his mother was Peter Gallagher.

Thanks either to the magic of CG or to the curse of heredity, Superman seems to exhibit not the slightest sign of a penis.

“I can leap tall buildings with a single bound,” he tells Lois Lane.

“Lacking a penis, you’d better!” she replied. “And often!”

Now that everyone has a cell phone Superman swaps identities in an elevator shaft. “I’ll take any shaft I can get,” the Man of Steel explained.

In a moment of near-romance, Lois hugs Clark: “I forgot how warm you are,” she says.

“And I forgot I don’t have a bulge,” he replied.

“That makes one of us,” said Lois.

When Clark Kent returned to work after five years away, things at the Daily Planet had really changed.


“See, Clark,” explained Jimmy Olsen, “Nobody buys the newspaper thanks to Yahoo and Google. Nobody places classifieds because of Craigslist. Nobody reads our editorials because of blogs. Nobody peruses our movie reviews because movies are all word-of-mouth. But the good news is we have become a bulky delivery mechanism for coupons!”

“Kent,” interrupted Daily Planet editor Perry White, “I want you on this story right away, 50 cents off Charmin bath tissue.”

“But what’s to investigate, Perry?” asked Clark.

“Whether the client wants the offer surrounded by dots or dashes.”

“Look,” Perry continued, “three things sell papers: Tragedy, sex, and the tragically sexy Superman – ideally all in one coupon.”

Only a comic born in the ’30′s could feature heroes with names like Clark, Lois, Perry, and Jimmy. Said director Bryan Singer, “Had the original been fifteen years older, Lois and Clark would have been Ida and Norville.”

Lex Luthor is an evil genius who wrecks a miniature city – which will strike terror into your heart if you’re a tiny plastic figurine with a heart.

Lex’s daffy scheme is to grow a new continent and flood the U.S. Someone should have told him that growing a series of islands would result in a lot more valuable beachfront property than a craggy, dirty, spiky and uninhabitable land mass. Said Lex, “It was either that or produce a movie about Bobby Darin, who most folks know as the star of Bewitched.”

Brandon Routh is all well and good, but am I the only person who thinks the best of all potential Supermen would have been Nic Cage?

Um, probably.

Anytime a studio spends 200 million bucks for my amusement you’ll find me there. And this return of Superman is 200 million well spent.

Superman Returns is the best of what summer movies can be.

Photos Copyright ©2006 Warner Bros. Pictures

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