Blood Diamond

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By Mark Ramsey | 2006/12/11

I never realized a South African accent was so much like an Australian one until i heard it tumble out of Leo DiCaprio’s mouth – and it was annoyingly convincing just like everything else Leo does.

There must be some flaws in this man – maybe he has three nipples or chews his cud or something. Because from the movie-goer’s perspective he not only walks on water but he does it while walking with supermodels, and that makes me mad.

“I have a soft spot for models,” Leo admitted. “And it doesn’t stay soft for long.”

While Leo is master of many things, facial hair is not one of them, not two of them, and certainly not a face full of them. Look, makeup just flecked his jaw with shmutz! It’s Leo’s chin – now with flavor crystals!

Leo is a diamond smuggler – a “rockodile” hunter, if you will. And he’s searching for a huge diamond with a pink center.

“Why are you eating the diamond, man?!” Leo screams at Djimon Hounsou.

“I thought it was a Charms Blow Pop,” he replied.

“Lollipops, along with nuclear technology and the toilet, won’t be imported to Africa until 2027!” said Leo.

Let’s see, we’re making a movie in Africa and need an African-looking hero. Here are the top 147 names on the casting list: Djimon Hounsou.

“And #148 is John Leguizamo, the bastard!” said Hounsou. “But here’s what nobody knows about me – by night I am actually Kevin Pollak.”

Here in the rough-cut heart of Africa kids are taught to shoot machine guns at mannequins which can make life very dangerous – if you’re a mannequin.

Look out! Rebel factions are busy shooting each other dead between episodes of Baywatch, which has been inspiring random acts of violence and equally random acting for years.

“If those swimsuits could talk they sure wouldn’t use big words,” said Jennifer Connelly.

Connelly is an American reporter who looks much less like an American reporter than like Jennifer Connelly pretending to be an American reporter who knows she looks more like Jennifer Connelly than any American reporter ever will.

Here’s what I learned from Blood Diamonds: Whenever a truck loaded with crazy guys in camo-gear with guns drives in your direction, run!

“Blood diamond” is the term for the gems illegally produced from conflict areas which eventually make their way to a jewelry store near you. “We used to sell blood diamonds,” said a spokesperson from Kay Jewelers. “Now we skip the middle-man and just sell African teeth on a necklace.”

Says Connelly: “People back home wouldn’t buy a ring if they thought it would cost someone else their hand.”

“What do you mean?” said Leo. “They already know it costs an arm and a leg!”

Generally, I don’t like movies where everyone on-screen applauds one character at the end (I tend to think that’s our job). But for Blood Diamond I’ll make an exception.

Blood Diamond is one of the best movies this year. And Leo – after Diamond and The Departed – is a shoo-in for an Oscar nom.

In the meantime, if ever I tell you I’m planning an African vacation, please remind me to keep my head low.

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