The DaVinci Code
It was discovered in 1961 in an ancient clay pot that also contained a delicate parchment: The recipe for Aunt Bea's blue-ribbon winning rhubarb pie.
Oh, and the ashes of Floyd the Barber.
Ron Howard was only a boy on his way home from fishing, but on that day this son of Mayberry became forevermore the infamous "Opie Dei."
Cut to modern times and the Louvre, where symbologist Robert Langdon and police cryptologist Sophie Neuveu are studying this strange, long-lost document.
SOPHIE
What is it? Can you translate it?
LANGDON
Yes...my goodness! It's the infamous lost ancient Christian text, "The Gospel of Jor-El."
SOPHIE
Jor-El?! Isn't that Superman's father?
SIR IAN McKELLEN
So dark the Comic-con of Man! Witness the greatest cover-up in human history!
LANGDON
Hey, how did Sir Ian McKellen and his impeccable pronunciation get into the Louvre! This is a crime scene.
SOPHIE
That's right, we have to figure out who shot my grandfather. And, more importantly, why in the days it took him to die he was hiding keys, devising cryptic clues, writing riddles in blood, and stripping naked - instead of walking calmly to a phone and calling 9-1-1.
LANGDON
I know it was just a flesh wound, but some indigenous peoples consider the urge to invent puzzles and strip naked more potent than the very will to live.
SIR IAN McKELLEN
It's a secret so powerful that, if revealed, it would devastate the foundations of Christianity!
LANGDON
Ian, please. They can hear you all the way to Middle Earth.
SOPHIE
And here's the strangest thing: My grandfather covered his genitals with a reflective substance that glares brightly so that no one in the audience will be turned away from the theater due to an R-rating.
LANGDON
Perhaps "The Gospel of Jor-El" will contain some clues. Listen...
"And Mary Magdelene said unto Jesus, 'What do your parents do?' And Jesus replied 'My mom's a virgin and my dad's handy.' Said Mary, 'If your mom's a virgin he'd better be.'
Unbelievable! According to this text, Jesus was married!
SOPHIE
Married?! I didn't even know he was dating!
LANGDON
And they had a child...
SOPHIE
A child!? Was he blonde and blue-eyed like his father?
LANGDON
...Mary Magdelene took that child and moved to France.
SOPHIE
You mean like Johnny Depp? Wait, you don't suppose....
LANGDON
Yes. Johnny Depp is the King of the Jews!
SIR IAN McKELLEN
It's a secret so shocking that the very discussion of it means every living being on Earth risks being lifted into space and hurled into the Sun!
LANGDON
Magneto, zip it!
SOPHIE
But why France?
LANGDON
Listen...
"And Mary spoke unto Jesus, 'I shall go and walketh upon the Perrier and have guaranteed employment forever.'"
SIR IAN McKELLEN
Witness a secret so dark, its discovery could cause space and time to collapse into a speck that ignites the entire universe and reconstitutes the dinosaurs along with the career of David Hasselhoff.
LANGDON
Hey Goon-dolf! The power of Christ compels you!
SOPHIE
Langdon, they should make a motion picture of this amazing story!
LANGDON
If they did it would be pompous and talky and boring and stilted and produced by Brian Grazer, featuring an overblown performance by a hyperventilating Sir Ian McKellen.
SIR IAN McKELLEN
I beg your pardon?
SOPHIE
And would the Christian establishment hate it?
LANGDON
Only if they could stay awake through it. If this movie turns anybody away from Jesus it will be so they can reach for a whisky.
SIR IAN McKELLEN
Witness the spectacle: Crowded theaters and millions of happy movie fans applauding in thunderous approval!
LANGDON
Ian, are you talking about The DaVinci Code?
SIR IAN McKELLEN
Absolutely not, my dear boy. I'm speaking of X-Men: The Last Stand, opening in just one week.