“I aim to build an independent army of Southeast Asian and African freedom-fighters, one child at a time,” said Jolie to a stunned press corp.
“Under my command, we will take over America and finish the War on Christmas once and for all.”
“We will put Rush Limbaugh’s marshmallow head on a stick, sandwiched between two graham crackers and roast it over hundreds of burning cutout copies of Beyond Borders.”
“I’m coming for you, America! Just as I came for Billy Bob Thornton!”