Elizabeth Hurley has married in a secret ceremony, reports her publicist, making pains to emphasize the term “secret” to as many media outlets as possible.

In related news, Reuters reports that 86% of Americans have forgotten completely about Elizabeth Hurley and, indeed, the very fact that she’s alive in some corner of the world is a “secret.”

Said Hurley, “Everyone knows only fascinating people marry secretly. And the idea that my husband is the high bidder in the “Wed Elizabeth Hurley” auction on eBay makes the unaccustomed publicity all the more sweet.”