Britney’s Rehab Diary

By Mark Ramsey | 2007/03/06

britsnake.jpgThu Mar 2: I never thought it would be so hard to get a good Jambalaya in rehab, y’all. To H-E-Double-Toothpicks with this menu. I’m gettin’ me an In-N-Out, animal style!

Fri Mar 3: Today I scribbled “666″ on my shaved head. Actually, I was lazy and just abbreviated it to “18″. That way it’s not only the sign of the Devil, it’s the sign of a Devil who can do math, which is a way more terrifying Lucifer, if you ask me.

Sat Mar 4: I’ve had it. I can’t drink and it’s driving me to drink. Today I wrapped a 600 thread count Egyptian cotton sheet around my neck and tied it to a lamp. Not because I wanted to kill myself, but because I was worried the lamp would leave the room sneaky-like so I had to keep it tied down. This sheet is yummy! Those Egyptians are as good at sheet-making as pyramid-making, yo!

Sun Mar 5: According to legend, the only way for me to die is to have a wooden stake driven through my heart and my head removed from my body. Where’s my entourage when I need ‘em, yo?

Mon Mar 6: Today I raced around the facility screaming “I’m the anti-Christ,” which should have been obvious since I once had a serpent wrapped around my shoulders. No reaction. So instead I yelled “I am the anti-panty-Christ.” Still no surprise. Finally, I shouted “Jared Leto looks like a girl!” That was it! The emergency personnel stuffed me into lockdown. “Nobody disses Jared Leto in this facility,” said one as the padded door to my padded room locked with a muffled thud.

Tue Mar 7: I’m singing songs from my new album to myself in my padded room – and all of Hell’s vermin are lining up one one side in rapt attention. There’s rats and wolves and the Mothman and Howard K. Stern and Nancy Grace and the entire third season of “The O.C.” – and they love my performance. Time to drink some blood and go to bed, yo. See y’all tomorrow.


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“This is where we would kiss if I was attracted to girls”