By Mark Ramsey | 2007/03/19

Premonition is what you get when some hack who has seen Memento too many times makes a Lifetime Cable movie.

According to Mennan Yapo, the director of Premonition, “When we were making it for Lifetime we were going to use Tiffani-Amber Thiessen or Donna D’Errico because, frankly, they lived in adjoining refrigerator boxes outside the network offices. But in the end we decided on a theatrical release, and Sandra Bullock needed her name attached to a vehicle so badly we could have wrapped a bus with her headshot.”

Said Bullock “There comes a stage in every career when an actress can no longer play America’s Sweetheart and must graduate to be the mother of a teenaged trashy, binge drinking, bulimic, wanna-be celebrity. I’m teetering on the Brink of Meg Ryan.”

premonition_bed.jpg“And then along came Premonition,” continued Bullock, “and I thought wow – this is really crappy and forgettable and if I don’t do it Tiffani or Donna are shoo-in’s. We had a deal by the end of lunch.”

From the look of her many variations on one expression, Bullock seems to be only a few Botox injections away from a mannequin. “My dermatologist always reminds me – what’s the point in having a forehead if you can’t bounce a quarter off it,” said Sandy.

Sandy has a vision that her husband dies. She wakes up – one day he’s alive, the next he’s dead, the next he’s alive, the next he’s dead. While this back and forth isn’t killing him it’s murder on me.

Imagine her surprise when her husband is alive one day and dead the next. I say “imagine” because you certainly won’t see it expressed on her face.

Julian McMahon is Sandy’s husband, and he really needs to do something about those eyebrows. They don’t even cover his eyes – they’re more like eye-postrophes than brows.

premonition_posterlandscape.jpgSo we have one spouse with limited facial expressions and the other with limited facial hair. How am I supposed to relate to this Barnum freak show? Is it any wonder you’re guaranteed limited satisfaction?

Julian suits up for work in a short-sleeve dress shirt and tie. Where does he work, the movie Office Space?

Amber Valetta once again plays “the other woman” – as in “the mannequin and the other woman.” Amber is the new assistant manager at Julian’s office, and evidently, she’s trying hard to manage his assistance, if you know what I’m saying.

Sandy finds out about this, and the expression she’s failing to make is one of anger and pain.

Sandy writes “Jim dead” on a calendar. Which you’d think would be something you wouldn’t need reminding for. “Sorry, can’t do lunch on Tuesday. Jim is dead that day. But he’s alive on Wednesday, so how about then?”

It’s enough to make Julian arch an eyelet-brow.

Can I wake up and never have seen this movie?

I have a premonition, too: That you’re going to be bored out of your skull.

More about this movie at


Leave a Reply

Enter your own funny caption

caption this

“This is where we would kiss if I was attracted to girls”