Perfect Stranger

By Mark Ramsey | 2007/04/15

Perfect Stranger looks like a hundred movies you’ve seen before, most of which feature Bruce Willis, and all of which you forgot to forget you forgot about.

perfectstranger_shufflescri.jpgSony would have been better off flushing their money down the toilet so it could mingle with the drowning box office grosses for this movie.

A “sexy thriller” is what the filmmakers call Perfect Stranger, which can only mean they were watching something else sexy while they were making it. Personally, I’ve experienced more thrills fishing around under my movie seat for gum residue.

At this stage in his career Bruce Willis’s hair is evacuating his scalp as if his head struck an iceberg and is going down with all hands.

“Welcome to the future of advertising,” says Bruce as ad baron Harrison Hill, whose slogan is “Who needs advertising when you have alliteration?”

Halle Berry is an investigative reporter who is not only in the middle of a big story but in the middle of a big beret. “A reporter can never be too prepared to shout ‘Extra, Extra!’ on a street corner with a bundle of newspapers under one arm,” said Halle to no one in particular, which was exactly who was in the theater with me.

That Halle is one heck of a reporter! Every investigation begins with a Google search of the subject’s name. “Maybe Google has already blown the cover off this story so I can blow the cover off again!” exclaimed Halle, again to no one in particular.

“Don’t your best known roles feature your cover getting blown off?” asked co-star Giovanni Ribisi.

“That was before I won the respect of my peers,” replied Halle, “and two big reasons for the respect.”

perfectstranger_perfectorst.jpg“All it takes to commit a murder is the right ingredients at the right time,” Halle says, oblivious to the notion that this movie is the right ingredient and while you’re watching it is the right time.

Cut to a flirtatious joust between Bruce and Halle is so mundane it should be set on ice so it can receive a 4.0 from the Russian judge.

Perfect Stranger features one of those classic Matlock moments where the crime mechanism is detailed for anyone who doesn’t have wrist whiplash from checking their watch.

While you’d think that the head of a bustling big city ad agency would be busy to the brim, Willis has plenty of spare moments to lurk in chat rooms seducing lonely young sophisticates. Yes, Bruce and Halle spend countless screen minutes IM flirting while the actors narrate each other’s IM’s: Scintillating moviemaking that will have you on the edge of your seat – with your nauseous head buried between your legs.

If you find something either “sexy” or “thrilling” in this movie, IM me.

And we’ll narrate about it.

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“This is where we would kiss if I was attracted to girls”