“Ye will hang by the neck until ye are dead!” says ye executioner. “Or until ye back pain is resolved, savvy?”
Shiver me timbers if ye lilly-livered cast from ye previous Pirates of the Caribbean adventures aren’t back for another pint of ale.
First up, the rescue of Johnny Depp from Davy Jones’ locker. “’twouldn’t be so bad,” said Depp, “but aye had to share me space with Davy’s gym membership and an old pair of ye Nikes.”
How to rescue Captain Jack? “Let’s try the Ouija board, it’s from ye spirit world and ye Milton Bradley, purveyors of ye fine games for 147 years!”
Sure as the Black Pearl sails true, Johnny Depp was saved from a watery grave, he was.
“Ye rescued me from Davy Jones’ locker just as I was stowing me Biology book and taping up a picture of the cast of One Tree Hill,” complained Captain Jack. “Ye deserve a flogging, ye do.”
“Gone a year I’ve been,” added Depp, “and still ABC be running Ye Bachelor? Well, devastate me cholesterol level with foods high in fat, ye spineless swabs!”
Geoffrey Rush must have left all subtlety in the pocket of his good pants, matey, because he couldn’t be any “bigger” if ye production assistant inflated him before every scene.
“Who has the longer spyglass, Jack, ye or I?” asked Rush.
“By way of factuality, ain’t it ‘ye’ or ‘me’?”
“A year under the sea and ye fancy yerself a contestant on ‘Are ye Smarter than ye Fifth Grader,’ do ye?”
“Blimey! Keep yer lengthy spyglass! ’Tis the girth that makes the timbers shiver, matey,” said Jack.
“Say Jack, how be it that Keira Knightly always resembles ye porcelain doll compared to me dirt-laden and bath-deprived hearties?” asked Rush.
“Odds bodkens!” exclaimed Depp. “Keira be elected as both a pirate captain with ye really cute shoes – and the new face of Chanel!
“Aye,” said Rush, “her agent be the scurvy landlubber Adam Isaacs at Endeavor, and he be in her career crow’s nest as long as her complexion lacks ye crow’s feet.”
As Davy Jones, Lord of the Crustacean nation, Bill Nighy curls his tongue around ye English language strangling yer vowels and popping yer P’s.
“Say it, Davy, don’t spray it!” said Keira, as a team of pit-stop specialists and landlubber actuarials raced to rejuvenate her spittled face.
“Pray tell, yer Disney corporation would ne’r stoop to promoting their assorted brands via yer Pirate juggernaut, would they now?” asked Johnny.
“Nay, t’would be So Raven! ‘Tis Kim-Possible!” said head Disney bilge-rat Robert Iger.
And lookee here, who be ye cameo of honor but ye one and only Keith Richards, him of Ye Rolling Doubloons. “I don’t chew ye scenery like Geoffrey Rush,” said Keith, “but I do snort its dead ashes. Yo ho ho and a bottle of me dad!”
Keith be Johnny Depp’s scurvy father while his mum be a shrunken head.
“She ain’t much for conversation,” said Keith, “but she makes a right fine keychain, she does.”
“How came you upon this role?” Rush asked Keith Richards.
“’Twas between I and me mate, Jolly Roger Daltrey.”
“Belay yer foolishness, Keith!” said Johnny. “Roger is ye Wizard of Pinball and ye swabs arr aboard different poopdecks altogether, ye are!”
Rarely does ye story which makes no sense look so good getting from fore to aft.
“Yo, ho, ho, and blow me down,” sez the scurvy box office records.
With yer crackling crescendo and a visual stunner of yer climax, gangway for Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End.
And remember, me buckos, the gangplank remains open to more walks.