Fantastic Four – Rise of the Silver Surfer

By Mark Ramsey | 2007/06/19

I’d like to tell you I really wanted to see this movie, but we don’t get everything we want.

In Fantastic Four – Rise of the Silver Surfer, something odd has arrived from outer space, and for once it’s not auditioning for Reality TV.

Nope, it’s a surfer from beyond, a Silver Surfer. And if you thought surfing was strictly a terrestrial activity, you should see the intergalactic silver badminton team or the astral silver bowling league. They rock the cosmic cotillion!

Unfortunately this Surfer is amped in a most apocalyptic fashion, bro! He has extremely gnarly designs on planet Earth.

fantastic2.jpgEverywhere in the galaxy the Surfer goes, eight days later the planet and everyone on it dies – “except for Catherine Zeta-Jones and Michael Douglas – it’s in their contract,” explains the Surfer.

“I’m on a mission to rid the Earth of hodads,” he added, in the profoundly gonad-vibrating tones of Laurence Fishburne, who seems to believe he’s narrating an Al Gore documentary.

It’s a good thing Jessica Alba is easy on the eyes because she belly flops onto the craft of acting like a big black anvil. While she may have a silver dude in her glare, Dame Judi Dench has a gold one on her mantle.

Since Jessica can make herself disappear, it’s too bad she didn’t take the rest of this movie with her.

Jessica can also project a powerful force field if she stands in a certain position and holds out her hands like a J. C. Penney mannequin.

“I’m frozen by the force-field of your casual bottoms and your sensible shoes, girl!” said the Silver Surfer.

fantastic1.jpgJessica and scientist Reed Richards are going to get married. Because Jessica absolutely looks like the kind of woman who’s attracted to a scientist – as long as it’s the science of the New York Yankees starting lineup.

Says Reed, “A bachelor party could be fun, but no exotic dancers.”

“Exotic dancers?”

If you didn’t know this movie was PG-rated, you could assume it now. By “exotic dancers,” Reed obviously means “burlesque.” As in, let’s go see Cora and Mabel at the burlesque.

Here we discover that Reed’s extreme flexibility is a plus on the dance floor. This makes him the only actor in this movie stretching in his role.

“The Thing” can’t fit into a middle airline seat, in part because his hands are so big he should be waving them in the stands at a football game.

Composed of rock colored an orange not otherwise seen in nature, “The Thing” doesn’t quite fit in. “I have a team of dermatologists in tow,” he says, “because calling my skin dry and rough is an understatement.”

Johnny Storm returns as “the human torch.” “Sure, the torch reference is dated,” said Johnny, “but the human Zippo just didn’t have the same ring to it.”

Witness the climactic showdown:

“Why are you on a Silver Surfboard?” asks Reed.

“Because my silver unicycle was stolen outside a 7-11,” explained the Surfer.

Jessica Alba chimes in: “Because you have no silver boxers, I couldn’t help but notice that you have no silver penis.”

“Ah, that explains my extensive Oprah book club library,” exclaimed the surfer. “You have saved me years of therapy!”

“You think you got problems,” said The Thing. “Even when I get my rocks off I can’t get my rocks off.”

Thanks to the help of their old nemesis Victor Von Doom, our heroes realize that the Surfer’s board is the source of his energy, not to mention the source of his gnarly wipeouts.

“I only wish my board gave me the power to surf into The Pirates of the Caribbean instead of this crappy sequel,” said the Surfer.

“Please hold the worldwide cataclysm until I put on my smart glasses,” added Jessica Alba.

Yes, the world is at stake, so it’s up to a limber guy, a fellow with bad skin, a dude with a temperature, and a woman whose disappearing act would be more notable if it were her bikini that did the disappearing.

I thought I had seen everything, and then I saw a movie where a surfboard was responsible for the end of the world.

A movie besides Point Break.

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