Evan Almighty

By Mark Ramsey | 2007/06/25

What do you get when you cross Noah’s Ark with Patch Adams? Two of every species of red clown nose, that’s what.

Oh, and Evan Almighty.

What’s confusing is that the original Bruce Almighty took God’s place while Evan only takes Noah’s place. We’re careening fast down the Biblical food chain, aren’t we? What’s next, Zebulun, son of Jacob, Almighty?

evanalmighty_sit.jpgAlready this movie has disappointed at the box office, in no small part because it’s the most expensive comedy ever made, yet only the tip jar went towards producing the laughs. You can almost see the visions of the Evan Almighty theme park thrill ride dancing over the heads of Universal Studios executives, in the unlikely event there’s anything dancing over those heads besides the fumes of an expression straining against Botox.

Whew, there are lots of CGI animals here! Why go to a zoo when all your favorite critters are in the backyard cooperating on a public works project? Evan Almighty is Jumanji with watercraft and unleavened bread.

Never have so many monkeys been in one place at one time without feverishly masturbating – which in this movie seems to be the job of studio execs as they roll around in ill-gotten piles of your money and mine.

Would-be comic relief is provided by Wanda Sykes who can’t believe her good fortune so in Evan Almighty she surrenders “good” and settles for “fortune.”

“I get the one-liners,” says Wanda, “which are one liner too many.”

Evidently Genesis 6:14 says “Thou shalt build an ark, and thou shalt build it corny and with friendly plush animal merchandising opportunities aplenty.”

“Yea and verily,” the verse continues, “thou shalt introduce to thy ark a pair of every species except such species as soil thy SUV when parked underneath yonder tree or such as inhabit areas exploitable for thy Holy energy and natural resource exploration.”

Steve Carell is a Congressman, and he wants to change the world but he’s going to begin by changing the world’s litter box.

evanalmighty_hair.jpgSteve is visited by the Good Lord Himself, in the form of Morgan Freeman, just returned from narrating a pilgrimage of penguins and evidently sampling the men’s offerings at Banana Republic. Nobody ever believes Morgan is God, of course, and not just because of the poor box office for Lucky Number Slevin.

“If you’re God why are your teeth so crooked?” asked Carell.

“My crowns are pillars of salt,” said Morgan.

“And I say unto thee,” Morgan added, “yea, I can craft the Earth and the Heavens in seven days, but clearing my complexion – that will take an eternity – or at least four score and seven years, by which thy hast confused thy Good Book with thy Gettysburg address.”

All the animals of the jungle flock to suburban D.C. to congregate at Evan’s Ark, including those not indigenous to the suburbs unless those suburbs are in Jakarta or Katmandu.

On board the ark, it’s one big happy bestiary and what one can only imagine is the worst stench this side of Lindsay Lohan’s morning breath.

Sadly, this is another of those comedies that climaxes in a cast and crew group dance. I don’t know about you, but if I want to see Teamsters boogie, I’ll head over to karaoke night at the truck stop in Riverside.

The idea that the crew had more fun making a movie than I had watching it means they should be paying me, no?

More about this movie at AskMen.com


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