Harry Potter Review Hate-Mail

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By Mark Ramsey | 2007/07/10

From: [NAME HIDDEN TO PROTECT THOSE WHO SO DISLIKE MY REVIEWS THEY HAVE RAISED THE MIGHTY ARMS OF THEIR HARRY POTTER ACTION FIGURES IN AN EXPRESSION OF ANGER]

Sent: Tuesday, July 10, 2007 3:38 PM

To: info@moviejuice.com

Subject: Your Reviews

Your reviews:

Are very poorly written and reveal an abnormal level of stupidity despite claims of frequent visits from Spielberg and Ebert to your site. I take issue with the following: You gave “Children of Men” and “Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix” very low and undeserving reviews, the Harry Potter review being the particularly horrid display of amazingly low intelligence as you flung around misspelled words and grammatical mistakes and incredibly un-funny mockeries of the series like swear words in a high school. It was a pathetic piece of writing that I’m sorry to say is actually counted on Rotten Tomatoes. I don’t know how you became officially reputable as a film critic but you need to be fired from the job and never allowed to spread your stupidity again to moviegoers who do not deserve to be mislead by your lack of brains. I say all this in light of the fact that you gave these two films such poor reviews yet honored the worst film of the summer, “Spider-Man 3″ with a very high grade. I think that alone is pathetic, but the fact that “Spider-Man 3″ was graded higher than “Children of Men” and “Harry Potter 5″ is just the most astounding thing I have heard all year. Truly.

Thank you for astounding me with your limited intelligence!

-Moviegoer

My Reply:

Dear “Moviegoer,”

I am honored to have astounded you with my limited intelligence since, by definition, that means it takes very little intelligence to astound you.

I am further honored that you were evidently so appalled by my work that you decided to plunge deep into a year’s worth of reviews because, after all, what could be a better use of valuable time than to dive into utter stupidity unless those stupid waters are all too warm and cozy?

Perhaps one day when your pointy head manages to fit through the movie theater via a door in front of the screen rather than behind it, someone will do you a favor and sharpen your noggin down to real-people size. In the meantime, leave your Grey Poupon uptown with your yappy little dog with the custom-fit sweater.

Mark Ramsey

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