Yikes, Kevin James does not have a neck! “I left that in The King of Queens season 27, episode 2035,” said James. “One day my TV show will be in syndication, and every American will still claim never to have seen it.”
Kevin is a straight man who marries Adam Sandler, another straight man, because research shows that previous movies about straight dudes pretending to be gay have not sufficiently slammed enough 2×4’s into the cranium of this category. “Boat Trip alone left many unanswered questions,” said CNN fixture Larry King as a production assistant shoveled porridge into his mouth.
Adam and Kevin are firemen. You would think Adam and Kevin’s domestic partnership would not be foreign to a workplace where sliding down a pole was a daily occurrence. But guess again.
Sandler is a man’s man. And we know that because he’s got a man’s stubble. “When Adam wears a Fireman’s helmet I keep waiting for him to ring my doorbell and say ‘trick or treat’,” said co-star Ving Rhames, whose comedy credentials range from Mission Impossible to Dawn of the Dead and who is reputed to have smiled once, but doctors determined it was just a tick.
Dan Aykroyd is the captain of this fire station. As Captain “P. Tucker” (get it?) Aykroyd, with his massive girth and L’Oreal-inspired brown hair, wouldn’t know how to deliver a line if it came in a deep dish with pepperoni and a 30 minute delivery guarantee.
Fire rescue is always funnier when the life you save is an obese one. “Fire,” “fat,” and “flatulence” is pretty much the triple crown of comedy in I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry, a movie that preaches about the sanctity of gay rights even as it ridicules a Liza Minnelli-loving boy who can tap dance and do the splits. Then again, if a Liza Minnelli-loving boy who can tap dance and do the splits isn’t worthy of ridicule, I don’t know what is.
Adam, we are to believe, is a ladies man. And not just a ladies man but a Hooters ladies man. Adam sleeps with six Hooterites – that’s a total of twelve Hooters – at once, and that’s after his on-the-job injury, which obviously didn’t impair his writer’s imagination.
He’s “Mr. February” in the firehouse beefcake calendar, despite being less beefcake than beef petit fours. The fact that February is the calendar’s shortest month says it all.
Jessica Biel is, of course, the real diel, whether outfitted as an attorney, complete with “smart person” glasses, or costumed as Catwoman, complete with nothing that requires any smarts to appreciate whatsoever. If there were Oscars for stripping to your bra and panties, Biel would be Meryl Streep.
Jessica has no boyfriend in this movie. The odds of that happening in real life are roughly on par with the odds of Earth being decimated by an interstellar asteroid between now and the time Lindsay Lohan next enters rehab.
Some of the presumed comedy in this movie is downright wince-worthy. “Dollars” sounds like “doll hairs” – ha, ha. Pig latin! – Ha, ha. And who ever gets tired of Doug Henning jokes? “Give me ten years and I’ll introduce Dan Quayle jokes,” said Sandler, “and still I’ll be doing the smootchie-woochie with Hooters girls.”
Then Sandler grabbed a guitar and strummed an over-long improv riff:
Charo’s a hoochie-koochie
I’ve got a hoochie poochie
His name is Moochie Oochie….
At this point, I ripped the strings from the guitar, wrapped them around Sandler’s neck, and hoisted him high enough over the Universal Studios theme park so he could dodge jumbo jets on the flight path for LAX – and this, my friends, was funnier than anything in his past ten movies.
So Adam and Kevin take their case to the city council, headed by none other than 70’s TV miniseries icon Richard Chamberlain! Richard has come a long way from Shogun to “Sho me the money.” With all his experience in Thorn Birds sheep-shearing, you’d think Richard of all people would cut the audience some slack.
The lesson, of course: Gay people are people too. And while you might think that’s at the level of “don’t cross the street without looking both ways,” check out the impromptu review I overheard from one teen on his way out of the theater:
“It was all right – I don’t like the gay guys, but….”
There are some problems even Adam Sandler can’t solve.