Resident Evil: Extinction

By Mark Ramsey | 2007/09/24

“The Earth began to wither and die….”

So much for the feel-good movie of the year – from the folks who brought you Mad Hacks: Beyond Thunderdome and A Fistful of Revlon.

If you’ve seen one post-apocalyptic road movie, you’ve seen ‘em all, I say. I don’t know what it is about the End of Days that sends pouty loners with impeccable complexions packing guns and wielding knives down desert highways, but whatever it is motivates legions of video game fans to play with one hand while playing with the other.

residentevil_canigetawhoopw.jpgIt’s the future, and everyone’s biking across the desert but nobody has a tan or the slightest sign that wind and sand have created any damage greater than a fashionably swept bed head.

And then there’s Milla Jovovich, an actress who vividly demonstrates what the world would look like if Miss Teen South Carolina was licensed to kill.

“People have a habit of dying around me,” sighs Milla, “and parading fiercely down a catwalk.”

Milla’s enemies here are the undead, meaning that the unfashionable and the unbeautiful now have all-new uncompetition. “I’m armed and fabulous!” says Milla, as she slices through ugly after ugly, making what’s left of the world safe for pouty waifs.

residentevil_nicole.jpgI suspect that Milla is the very first post-apocalyptic road warrior to design a fashion collection for Target, although I’m hazy on Isaac Mizrahi’s backstory so anything’s possible.

“There’s something about slicing through a zombie’s jugular that makes my fashion line a must-have beside a Philippe Stark toilet plunger,” says Milla, wrapping her hands around a creature’s neck in as deadly a fashion as she wraps her tongue around the English language.

“Only the beautiful survive the end of the world,” explains Milla, “so it’s the end of culture, but not couture.” Indeed, the only unbleached teeth are the fossilized dinosaur ones.

Milla meets up with a ragtag band of survivors conveniently equipped with commando skills and paramilitary gear up the ying-yang. These plucky adventurers include no star bigger or more discerning about her career prospects than Ali Larter.

These weekend commandos even have a genuine paramedic – in the same sense that the “sexy nurse” at the Halloween party is a genuine nurse. Somehow, her medical training skipped tongue depressors and went straight to tongue rings.

extinction_knickers.jpgWelcome to a world where every desert survivor wears finger gloves like they’re in a workhouse with Oliver Twist. “I need my fingers for my gruel,” explains Milla.

Beware, there are zombies in them there hills! You can see the fear in the faces of these actors – and that’s even before they read this movie’s reviews.

Our heroes venture to Las Vegas in search of gas. The entire city is desolate and covered in sand. It’s a good thing there are no windows in the casinos because otherwise somebody would have to tell Steven Soderbergh and George Clooney the world is over and they can stop filming Ocean’s 2013.

Back at the lab, there are dozens of Millas suspended naked in mid-air bubbles swimming with their arms shyly crossed over their breasts. To find this many naked Millas on one screen one must usually resort to Google!

Milla’s death scenes (yes, scenes) in this movie are classics of minimalist acting – or acting with minimalist talent. “Easy, breezy, beautiful Cover Girl,” she mutters as the life passes out of her eyes and onto the pages of Vogue from whence it came.

Resident Evil: Extinction is neither unbad nor ungood. And while it’s not undead it’s certainly unalive.

Send your hate mail here

More about this movie at


Leave a Reply

Enter your own funny caption

caption this

“This is where we would kiss if I was attracted to girls”