Saw IV

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By Mark Ramsey | 2007/11/01

Who doesn’t love it when the dead villain’s face is furled over his skull like rice over a california roll? I just puked into my AMC Theater cheese nachos, and the worst part is I can’t even tell.

sawiv_chin.jpgWe’re watching the autopsy of a nude “Jigsaw,” a.k.a. Tobin Bell. And if Bell has to be nude on camera, we had better be dismembering him, because his member is certainly worth dissing, if you know what I mean.

“Did you remove his chin?” one surgeon asks the other.

“No, Mother Nature did that,” he replied.

Suddenly, horror of horrors, a microcassette is discovered encased in wax and buried in Tobin’s stomach. It’s a message! On tape! Just like they used to do twenty years ago!

“Good evening, detective,” the tape begins.

“Uh oh, we’d better miraculously find exactly the right detective before we play this,” says the surgeon, “because otherwise this movie will stop dead in its tracks.”

With exactly the right detective on-site, the tape continues:

“You may wonder why I swallowed this sterling example of 1980 audio recording technology instead of, say, emailing you an mp3 or at least leaving you a message on an answering machine.”

“But what would you expect from a devil who uses torture devices that date to the Spanish Inquisition? I considered throwing Christians to the lions, but instead I’m throwing Christian money to the Lions Gate!”

“For my sake, you’re lucky I didn’t swallow a vinyl 78 or a pigeon with a note attached to its foot.”

“Detective, I have a game for you and it’s not a board game although certain members of the audience may be bored as you play it.”

“It involves matching wits with a fifth grader and dancing with the stars. I used to employ sadistic torture, but who needs that when you can dance with the stars!”

sawiv_director.jpg“Just because I’m dead you may think the games are over. But then you know nothing of box office calculus. The puzzles in this movie and the infinite number of sequels which have already been queued behind it have been designed to tear the dead presidents from your wallet like a sobriety chip from the shaky palm of Lindsay Lohan.”

“They don’t call me ‘Jigsaw’ for nothing, and they don’t call me ‘Sudoku’ at all.”

“At each step in the game I will offer you choices with consequences, just like Howie Mandel. Except Howie still lives even as his rubber-glove-on-the-head bit is dead. Thanks to Howie’s odd little beardlet I am reminded of Ming the Merciless in Flash Gordon, but I digress.”

“Your next move is critical, detective, much like the state of my health as I record dozens of posthumous Saw game soundtracks just like John Madden does for his football.”

“Live or die, or even worse, join the cast of Bravo’s ‘The Real Housewives of Orange County’ – make your choice. And remember, Steve Carell is in the theater next door so please give him your condolences for Evan Almighty which is like 100 minutes of bamboo under your fingernails. I pulled the plug on myself three times while watching that movie, and three more times the plug pulled itself.”

“In the original Saw (and I hardly believe I’m using the word ‘original’ in Hollywood) things were very simple. Since then the puzzles have gotten so elaborate you should not be surprised to see a plague of locusts flying out of my ass and forming a word jumble.”

“Oh, and don’t forget to press the ‘play’ button at numerous intervals in this movie or the game will be over fast.”

Saw IV is exactly what you’d expect when you come to expect less than you ever expected.

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