By Mark Ramsey | 2007/11/18

Beowulf is a classic tale of adventure brought to you by the great Robert Zemeckis, the only Hollywood Director ever to win an Oscar in the category of “Best Comb-Over.”

You can see this flick in IMAX, but it’s the kind of spectacle that requires spectacles, so go for the 3D version like I did.

Then again, if I have to experience a digital version of Anthony Hopkins’ naked ass, does it have to be in three dimensions? And how come none of those dimensions is the saggy one?


King Hopkins is being attacked by Grendel, the demon whose ears burn painfully when he hears medieval music – and who can blame him? Grendel is cursed with no genitals which explains his surly demeanor. He’s a scaly, misshapen creature whose mother is Angelina Jolie and father must obviously be Billy Bob.

“What we need is a hero!” says Sir Anthony. “Not since Friday the 13th 3D have we faced a murderous monster that uses all of God’s dimensions.”

“But sire,” asked Sir John of Malkovich, “what about Jaws 3D with Sir Louis of Gossett Jr?”

“‘Twas a SeaWorld ripoff, sure, that one!” screamed Hopkins. “Bring me a real hero unfettered by Shamu!”

Suddenly, the door bursts open!

“I am Beowulf, son of Papawulf! I’m here to kill ye monster and to bounce numerous 3D paddle balls at ye audience!”

“Yonder is ye sword, Beowulf,” says Hopkins. “Point it not at the audience ‘lest they will reach out like fools to grab it.”

Says the Queen, “There have been many brave men who have come to taste my Lord’s meat.”

“I shall not touch that one with a 3D ten foot pole, m’Lady,” said Beowulf.

This is the first CGI movie I’ve seen to feature heaving animated bosoms and burning animated loins!

Beowulf prepares to battle Grendel:

“Come, my band of tri-dimensional animated men. And bring ye also ye Super Friends, ye Smurfs, Shrek, Donkey, and ye Wonder Twins! Together we will battle this beast!”

Speaking of wonder twins, did I mention that Angelina Jolie is in this movie? And no spot on her body is left digitally un-sensored. Not only is Angelina a sexy demon, but she’s a sexy demon with waterproof makeup and a Brazilian wax.

“Beowulf,” said Angelina, “I come to you naked with high heels and a tail.”

“Lo, ye shoes should match ye handbag, not ye tail, she-creature!”


“Love me and I shall weave you riches beyond imagination, Beowulf.”

“I am deaf to your words, demon, for your bosoms scream so loudly!” he replied.

The idea that one could come back in life as a digital sensor on Angelina Jolie is enough to make me believe in reincarnation. Not since Daphne in Scooby Doo have so many dudes wanted to get busy with a cartoon (but thanks to the sheer existence of Velma that mood was always short-lived).

“Odin be praised!” said King Hopkins.

“Who is Odin?” asks Beowulf.

“My dry cleaner. Witness ye pearly whilte and lightly starched toga. ‘Tis exquisite, by all that is holy!”

So the temptation of sex with a seductive demon brings both power to the hero and punishment to all the peoples of the land. This is one thoroughly enjoyable epic adventure about a race of Kings who do their thinking with the head that has a helmet rather than a crown.

Indeed, the lesson of this Beowulf is that all the evil in the world happens because guys are too horny.

No wonder it’s required reading in high school.

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“This is where we would kiss if I was attracted to girls”