Stephen King’s The Mist

0
By Mark Ramsey | 2007/11/20

Here’s a shocker: Stephen King’s The Mist is set in…Maine! Where nothing happens unless Stephen writes it first.

It seems there’s some kind of inter-dimensional rift through which deadly beasties travel from their plane of existence to Maine’s plane of existence, assuming “existence” is what you call the plane in Maine.

“It’s a long way to go for a lobster, if you ask me,” said one creature who asked through his interpreter not to be identified.

Yes a “doorway” opens into Maine and a crisis ensues. And it’s not until the creatures learn there’s also a doorway to Cabo San Lucas that the crisis finally ends.

“Cabo, that’s how I roll!” said a giant arachnid, strolling down the red carpet, one arm around Kim Kardashian.

mist_headoflettuce.jpgNo word on who the arm belonged to.

Our hero, Thomas Jane, is in a supermarket with the rest of Maine when the neighborhood is shrouded by a mist. Not a fog, mind you, but a mist.

“The Fog was a movie with Adrienne Barbeau,” said Jane. “And she has pledged never to come to Maine unless we host an inter-dimensional portal to a Swamp Thing reunion.”

Jane is a movie poster artist by day. “It’s a skill that went out in the 70′s,” he explained, “but news travels slow in Maine.”

Our hero and the townsfolk are trapped in the market, fearful of what might emerge from the mist.

Suddenly, something comes creeping towards the entrance….

Hey, it’s Scatman Crothers from The Shining!

“Redrum, baby!” said Scatman, “It looks like you could use somebody who can kick the can – even if they’ve already kicked the can, so to speak.”

“Wait up, Scatman…”

Hey, it’s Emilio Estevez from Maximum Overdrive!

Said the store manager: “We already stock the Canadian Club, now we have the Breakfast Club, too.”

“Step aside, boys!”

Hey, it’s James Whitmore from The Shawshank Redemption!

“I dealt with these giant man-eating bugs in ‘Them’ in 1954 and by golly I can do it again in 2007!”

Wouldn’t you know, all this mess is the fault of military experimentation gone awry! Nothing sparks an inter-dimensional rift like a six-figure toilet seat.

So creatures attack – including the human ones inside – and the supermarket rapidly descends into chaos, and I don’t mean the kind with 12 items in the “10 and under” line.mist_walking.jpg

The masterful Frank Darabont weaves his usual magic in collaboration with the King of horror writers. No wonder, then, that The Mist isn’t just supernatural it’s supermarket-natural!

It’s rare nowadays that a movie audience screams and laughs and cheers in equal measure, and that makes Stephen King’s The Mist one rare movie, indeed. This may be the flick that finally makes Thomas Jane the star he deserves to be.

So I’m driving home from the screening, and wouldn’t you know…

…it’s in a mist.

Send your hate mail here

More about this movie at AskMen.com

0

Leave a Reply

Enter your own funny caption

caption this

“This is where we would kiss if I was attracted to girls”