The Number 23
So I sat down with the number 23, star of the new movie The Number 23. He took a long, slow drag on a smoke as he settled into a cushy chair at the Beverly Hills Hotel.
“Um, you can’t smoke in here,” I remind him.
“Hey,” he spat back, “I’m a prime number. Tell it to the number 16, why don’t ya.”
“Okay, okay, relax.”
He leered as two attractive cocktail servers passed by.
“Hey baby, 23 times 3 is 69.”
“Um, can we stay focused?” I asked.
He shot me a dirty look.
“So what was it like to work with Jim Carrey and Virginia Madsen?”
“Well, if you imagine what Sesame Street would be like if it was rated R and Virginia was Snuffleupagus and Carrey was Big Bird, then you get the idea.”
“Was Carrey funny during the shoot?”
“Only when we reflected on his love life. He’s with Jenny McCarthy now, you know, a woman best known for introducing the female burp to MTV.”
“This movie was directed by Joel Schumacher, widely criticized as the director who almost killed the Batman franchise. What was it like working with him?”
“Thanks to Schumacher, all of Carrey’s shirts had nipples.”
“Carrey becomes obsessed by a book that finds you – the number 23 – hidden in every aspect of his life.”
“Yes, shockingly, it turns out that no matter what number you have, there’s another number you can add to or subtract from it to equal ’23.’ Imagine that.”
“Sounds like the makings of a great movie,” I said.
And that’s when the number 23 just about spit up his martini laughing.
“Listen,” he said, “I don’t know why Carrey took this role, because it has Matthew Broderick written all over it. Who can picture Jim Carrey as a homicidal maniac unless he’s also a homicidal maniac pet detective?”
“Well, he does play a dog catcher,” I offered.
“And he should have caught this dog before it escaped the studio gates,” the number 23 said bitterly.
“You really think this movie sucks, don’t you?”
“This isn’t a movie, it’s a third grade homework assignment with dirty words. Everyone’s afraid of a number. Virginia’s afraid of hitting 50, Jim’s afraid of slipping below 20 million, and the studio’s afraid The Number 23 will not be number 1.”
“I suppose the climax to this movie leaves something to be desired,” I say, as the number 23 sucks down what’s left of his drink.
“It’s so laughable it should come with a two-drink minimum, a spotlight, and a brick wall.”
“So what do you think is the main lesson the audience should take away from The Number 23.”
“That numbers don’t kill, people do....
...And for God’s sake if you bump into a guy just as he checks out of a psychiatric hospital, don’t marry him.”