The idea behind – but not far enough behind – One Missed Call is that you get a cellphone message and it’s from you in the future at the exact moment you’re about to die.
If only my future self could have left a message for my past self, I could have skipped this movie altogether and enjoyed a root canal instead.
You know, it wouldn’t hurt if your future self also messaged you a Lotto number or two while he or she is going to all the trouble.
Ed Burns makes two kinds of movies: The commercial kind that nobody sees – and the Indie kind that nobody sees.
“If I had only befriended Matt Damon as a youth, I could have grown up to be Ed Affleck,” said Burns, fuming over the fact that his movies would be more popular if they featured Mentos dropping into exploding Diet Cokes.
Ed pulls a hard candy out of a corpse’s mouth. Because what moviegoer and CSI-watcher hasn’t seen just about every clue under the sun emerge from the mouth of a dead victim? Please, victims, stop eating clues!
Hey, there’s comic Margaret Cho as a cop with a gun, meaning she can finally kill an audience and do it without the torture of a one hour set!
One Missed Call tells us that death has its own ringtone. Does it also have its own two-year contract and free night and weekend minutes?
This is the first movie ever to feature the exorcism of a cell phone. I’m not kidding! And without a demon in the phone there are fewer dropped calls and better coverage, too!
The key to this puzzle, unpuzzling and unscary as it is, is one particular dead woman in one burned out building.
Says Shannyn Sossamon with a completely straight face, “What if her body is still inside and her spirit is moving through the phones, attacking people?”
And what if angels shoot out of your asshole, order a round of Venti Caramel Macchiatos at Starbucks, and retreat back into your asshole without paying?
Hey, it’s possible!
One Missed Call is soul-crushingly bad.
Let this one go to voicemail.