Hey kids, let’s all go see Grambo! Right after Teen Wolf, Vision Quest, Weird Science, and just saying “no” to drugs.
Listen, if you’re the kind of person who has been wondering when Rosanna Arquette and Madonna would re-team for Desperately Seeking Susan 2, have I got a sequel for you.
Making Rambo must have been a breeze since most of Sly’s former co-stars are repped by by the same agent, the Grim Reaper. “As agents go, this one always calls,” said the late Richard Crenna, “just not with good news.”
There he is, 60-year-old John Grambo hiding in the jungle and hiding the jungle of hair growing in his ears. He’s capturing snakes by hand and fish by impaling them with an arrow.
“I have to make the world safe for dudes in headbands,” mumbled Sly with a serpentine curl in his lip.
But this time, Sly has company:
“I’m Sarah Miller,” murmurs sexy Julie Benz, “and I’ve doted on doddering fools younger than you.”
“Who are you people?” he asks.
“We’re a band of missionaries.”
“A band? Who plays the lead guitar?” asks Sly.
“No, we’re missionaries,” says Julie.
“You mean like in the grotto at the Playboy mansion?”
Sly’s new acquaintances are captured and held prisoner by Burmese military dudes, and that makes an American in a headband angry!
So Sly forges his own machete – because the man who can find a cosmetic surgeon, a spa, a hair colorist, a pharmacy, and some sterile needles in the jungle can’t find a knife there.
“Thanks to my plastic surgeon, now I literally do have the Eye of the Tiger!” exclaimed Sly.
Sly’s arms ripple with the kind of muscle that comes from drinking a mixture of raw eggs and raw pituitary glands. His face, according to its designer at DreamWorks, “has more expressions than Shrek, but fewer than Donkey.”
“My face is lifted so high you can buy advertising on it as it sails over the Super Bowl!”
Look out, here comes the inevitable dream sequence where Sly flashes back to previous Rambo movies. Better him than me.
Slam-bo, Wham-bo, thank you ma’am-bo! This film actually speeds up during the action scenes, as if to get them over with quicker.
Sly cuts a man’s throat with his bare hand. If only I could do that to myself right now.
Rambo is a love story between a man and his body and his body of work and the work to his body.
As this movie winds down, there’s a long and loving stare and the music swells and Rambo retreats to….the back corner of the Blockbuster, where men are men and The Karate Kid will live forever.
“This is who we are,” says Sly, encapsulating the theme of this movie in a space small enough to fit snugly within the fortune cookie that spawned it, “Live for nothing, or die for something.”
Here’s hoping that from now on Sly will die for something else.
Grambo, meet Hambo.