As far as I’m concerned, if you spend nine years re-taking the same algebra class and get slaughtered at your prom, you get what you deserve.
Especially if your high school is like this one, where a teacher wigs out and goes psycho in his obsession over one particular student who, you’d think, would be Angelina Jolie and Scarlett Johansson wrapped up into one PG-13 package. Not so. Brittany Snow, who’s best known for being unknown, is cute and all, but according to the most recent SAT test, Brittany is to Angelina Jolie as Abigail Breslin is to Grace Kelly.
Brittany’s got a tiny divet carved out of her forehead which was inviting almost as much of my attention as the EXIT sign glowing warmly in the corner, beckoning me to release myself from the misery that is Prom Night.
Johnathon Schaech is the cute killer with a jaw so square the cast was able to play tic-tac-toe on it between takes. Says Schaech, “I’m terrifying in the same way you’re terrified by a giant underwear model on a billboard in Times Square.”
In a cleverly devised fit of inspiration, our killer escapes from a high security prison through a vent, which is something prisons pretty much figured out to avoid by the time Billy the Kid spent quality time there.
The original Prom Night was satisfyingly campy and vastly superior (and I never thought I’d be saying that). It starred teen horror queen Jamie Lee Curtis, who’s now doing commercials for a new variety of yogurt packed with enough microbial microflora to provide intestinal transit to the gross national product of Botswana.
Now that’s scary.
Why in the world did this flick get a PG-13 rating? The deaths are about as bloody as a firm pat on the back. I saw more blood in Pixar’s The Incredibles, and I mean inside the theater. If I want to see bloodless killing, I’ll tune in some network war coverage. The blood is half the fun in movies like this, where the other half is envisioning anything other than movies like this.
“Oh my God, it’s the killer!” said one prom-goer. “And he is revealed right at the beginning of this movie, thereby eliminating any tension whatsoever!”
“Couldn’t they make it like Monk,” asked another, “where we don’t know who the bad guy is until the end?”
“No, that would require ‘characters welcome,’ which would add the pressure of creating characters.”
“Shouldn’t this film have a little humor if it lacks even the tiniest bit of tension?”
“No, humor requires writers who are funny – which requires writers.”
“Is there at least going to be a twist ending to be disappointed in?”
“Nope! This movie accomplishes the impossible: It makes you disappointed not to be disappointed by a disappointing twist ending.”
The only thing twisting at the end of this movie was my restless butt in the seat.
Prom Night belongs on the short bus.