Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

By Mark Ramsey | 2008/05/26

Is that Harrison Ford and Karen Allen locked in an embrace or Jim Broadbent and Dame Judi Dench? Because this is the kind of on-screen sizzle you can’t get unless you wear your good teeth.

Karen was once famous for drinking men under the table, and from the looks of her it’s there they’ll stay. As for Indy, now that he has reached the two-thirds century mark, it’s time to stop using the whip and start using the term “whippersnapper.”


When Harrison and Karen smooch, you can almost hear the fiendish laughter of Father Time, not to mention Harrison’s mind, which seems to be saying “For F**k sake, I’m Harrison F**king Ford! I date Ally McBeal! Really, I can show you the pictures!”

When asked to comment on the oil-and-water chemistry between himself and Allen, Ford would say only: “Every day I pray for that boulder to run me down.”

I don’t want to suggest Hollywood will bring back anything, but Sony Pictures has announced a new version of It Happened One Night, “and we have removed Claudette Colbert from the backlot freezer so two production assistants can thaw her out with a blow dryer,” said an excited Sony spokesperson.

Now don’t get me wrong, I love the Indiana Jones series as much as the next guy. And God knows I had high hopes for this chapter. But by the end of Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, I felt like I had been watching Indy vs. Predator, with a little Leprechaun in Outer Space thrown in. I knew I was in trouble when Indy teamed up with a Chucky doll.

Or is that Shia LeBeouf?

Harrison is not exactly engaged in this movie. He actually looks like he’s counting down the seconds until his stunt double swings in. And God knows he doesn’t have many seconds to count.

“Actually, I’m counting down the seconds until I can count down my money,” said Ford, as he departed on his final adventure: Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Isolated Wyoming Ranch.

At least I learned something: You can survive a nuclear blast by closing yourself in a refrigerator. And not just because that’s where the food is.


“I wish I could have ducked and covered when Karen Allen went in for a wet one,” muttered Ford to the actor who played Short Round in Indy II and – shockingly – seems to have superior judgment in choosing projects.

If you’re like me you’ve always wondered why there aren’t more aliens in Indiana Jones movies, because after Nazis and Commies, what’s left but aliens and maybe vampires.

And Queen Latifah.

“Yes, Queen Latifah is a wild card,” said Steven Spielberg. “We need more cred among an ethnic audience ever since we burned savages alive in Indy II.”

And then there’s the oblong crystal skull – a magnetic crystal skull. “That means you can never lose it when it’s stuck to your refrigerator and you should never carry it with your ATM card,” said screenwriter David Koepp, who has obviously thought of everything previously, thus leaving “everything else” to this movie.

“You call him Dr. Jones, doll!” screamed Shia LeBeouf, swinging through the jungle on vines like Tarzan because he saw the monkeys do it first. “I do whatever the monkeys do,” said LeBeouf, as he plucked fleas off Karen Allen and threw his own poop at Cate Blanchett.

John Hurt costars as a scientist who lost his mind when he stared too long into the eyes of the crystal skull. This is what happens to me when I stare too long into the eyes of Regis & Kelly.

Whoever returns the misshapen crystal skull to the city of whatever-it’s-from will control its power. “We don’t know what that means but we suspect it involves millions of dollars of CGI,” said Ford.

“How much of human life is lost in waiting,” says crazy old John Hurt.

We should have asked that in the 19 years since the last Indiana Jones flick.


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