Hancock

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By Mark Ramsey | 2008/07/08

If a drunken homeless guy has super powers and can fly, that’s one less drunken homeless guy who needs a quarter and one more who needs a flight plan.

Maybe we can open flight training schools in empty refrigerator boxes! And we could have floating 24-hour liquor stores!

Look, up in the sky, it’s a Wild Turkey, it’s a plane, it’s Cirrhosis Man!

Then again, shouldn’t there be a law against drunk flying?

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Will Smith spends the first 15 minutes of this movie boozing up – then he meets a PR consultant. Because if there’s anything a flying drunk needs, it’s someone who can help get him media attention.

How is it that a super-powered drunken flying homeless guy doesn’t have his own Reality TV show, anyway?

Or am I forgetting about Flava Flav?

Well, maybe the PR guy, Jason Bateman, can fix that. After all, Charlize Theron plays his wife, so Jason has truly died and gone to casting Heaven.

“Normally I expect my wife to be played by Melissa Gilbert or Blair from The Facts of Life,” said Bateman.

Forget all that. Now it’s time to get down to work:

“Don’t come in too hot on your landing” Jason advises Hancock, “and make sure you vector towards a July 4 holiday weekend.”

Whenever Hancock flies a Hip Hop soundtrack cranks up, as if Hancock creates a musical jetstream of crunk.

“What are those jammin’ sounds? Is it a musical jetstream of crunk?”

“No, it’s Hancock on approach! Use runway Six Left, Hancock! All jiggy for landing!”

Hancock is a bumbling hero with a mysterious backstory, and the closer we get to unearthing his secret the more this movie careens downhill with super-human strength.

Hey, it’s a Nancy Grace cameo! You mean there’s a market for feigned outrage on cable TV and at the movies? Can I flip over to the Discovery Channel while Nancy is on the big screen, just like I do on TV?

This is the first time a movie has featured one character’s head literally inserted up another one’s ass, sparking the following dinner conversation for one member of the staff at Sony Pictures Imageworks, the CGI-makers:

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“So what did you do at the office today?”

“I was nominated for an Academy Award. Oh, and I modeled one guy’s head up another guy’s ass.”

“I didn’t know they gave awards for that, but it’s certainly an achievement worthy of recognition!”

Hancock can’t remember where he came from. All he knows is he has two tickets to Frankenstein from 1931 in a keepsake case.

“Evidently, you came from eBay, Hancock” said Jason Bateman, digging around the tickets to see if any collectible Beanie Babies lurked nearby.

Come to find out that Hancock is ageless. “Unlike Daryl Hannah,” said Bateman.

Enter a plot twist – a mysterious super-woman – and the best explanation for why Charlize Theron has been cast as Jason Bateman’s better half.

“Much better half, actually,” said Bateman. “In fact, she’s more like my better seven-eighths.”

Before you know it, Hancock and the Super-Woman are throwing vehicles at each other in an orgy of CGI, and this is one of those orgies where you and I aren’t having any fun.

The closer Hancock gets to this woman, the more human he becomes – and the more vulnerable. “When we get close to our opposites we lose our power,” she tells him. “Then again, I could be making up this random plot point because the writers are literally pulling this idea out of their asses in a desperate search for a third act.”

“If you’re pulling an idea out of your ass, rest assured we can animate the process” said the publicist for Sony Pictures Imageworks.

Hancock may be a superior being, but I’d feel more superior being in a different theater.

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More about this movie at AskMen.com

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