Hellboy II: The Golden Army

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By Mark Ramsey | 2008/07/15

It tells you all you need to know about the Golden Army that pure gold is really soft.

“Well, originally we called it a Golden/Zinc Alloy Army, but the studio thought we were building an army of vitamins,” explained writer/director Guillermo del Toro.

Hellboy is back and once again Ron Perlman gets to chew up some scenery with some deliriously oversized buck-teeth.

“If it had been a Golden/Calcium Alloy Army, I could have capped my deliriously oversized buck-teeth with it,” said Perlman.

There’s a truce between the magical beings of the forest and the mortals of the cities, much like the truce between the magical Christie Brinkley and a long series of city-dwelling mortals, formerly known as the Mr. Brinkleys. And like Christie, the magical beings agree not to wage war on humanity – especially with the chorus of Uptown Girl still ringing in our ears and stinging our communal souls.

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Did our world have a historic run-in with forest nymphs? I didn’t learn this history in school. Was it before or after the Jesus Horses?

But, wouldn’t you know it, the Prince of the mythical forest people is getting too big for his Elfin britches. So he sets out to rejoin three pieces of a crown like a jigsaw puzzle that sits on your head. I tried this myself with a jigsaw puzzle, but the Mona Lisa didn’t look very good on my head.

“Humanity destroyed the Earth for parking lots and shopping malls,” moans the Prince to his forest-dwelling brethren. Obviously a mythical creature who has never tasted a Frappacino.

Wait! If that golden crown is reassembled, a vast army of round yet soft warriors will conquer mankind, or at least conquer mankind’s jewelry box!

“I have an idea!” shouts Hellboy as the Golden Army is resuscitated and humanity is in peril, “Cash for Gold! On TV they say you just mail them your gold and they send you cash! And I’m sure it’s absolutely fair market value, because if you can’t trust a TV infomercial, who can you trust?”

“That’s genius!” exclaims Abe Sapien. “Any time we can save humanity and get a check for more than the entire box office gross of M. Night Shyamalan’s The Happening, count me in!”

“Me too!” said Selma Blair.

“Hey, Selma Blair’s in this movie!” said Abe Sapien.

“Yeah, I forgot, too.” said Hellboy.

“Not only did I forget she was in this movie, I forgot she even existed,” said Sapien.

“Me too!” replied Hellboy.

“Guys, I’m standing right here!” said Selma. “And I’m on fire – unlike my career.”

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Enter the Bureau for Paranormal Research and Defense, where Hellboy and his minions hold court. I think it’s great that our tax dollars fund paranormal research. There has to be some reason specks of dust are mistaken for “orbs” and ambient grumblings are heard as “GET OUT” and I want to know what those reasons are!

There are some freaky alien-like characters so imaginative that even legendary pothead Matthew McConaughey is likely to elbow his companion and mutter “I’ll have what he’s having.”

One freaky character has a head like an eraser. “We had to work a product placement for Staples into this picture somehow,” he muttered, packing up his things to return to his regular job, mascot for pro Soccer’s newest team, the “Orlando Office Supplies.”

Because of the extreme nature of the costumes, there’s a lot of mime in this picture. My first clue of this came when Hellboy battled the “Kingdom of Creatures with White Gloves who Pretend to Pull Rope.”

How old does Hellboy have to be before he’s properly referred to Hellman, anyway? And why does he wear his hair like a red version of John Belushi in a Samurai deli?

Look out for that jumping bean! Because when it lands in water it sprouts into a gigantic plant demon – a reminder of the toll humanity is taking on nature and our collective guilt over it. “The only thing worse would be if we were attacked by puppies and a baby seal,” said Hellboy. “Thank God I have treats – in case Selma Blair needs to eat between Hellboy movies.”

There’s a puff of smoke in a suit, and no I’m not talking about my agent. He’s Johann Krauss, schwanstuker on loan from Broadway’s Young Frankenstein. “Screw za clearance! Ve vill take za plane!” he says as if he’s Zsa Zsa Gabor telling it to Merv Griffin.

Hellboy II is really good, hugely imaginative, and yet another feather in del Toro’s cap.

And it’s probably a cap with its own eyes.

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More about this movie at AskMen.com

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