Hellboy II MovieJuice Hate-Mail

By Mark Ramsey | 2008/07/22


Subject: Dude, go to writing school

Date: July 16, 2008 8:19:17 PM PDT

To: mramsey@moviejuice.com

Dear MovieJuice:

Are you seriously so pissed off at the world that you have lost all form and decided to write a review composed of your own made up quotes from a movie that you probably didn’t even really watch? Well thats fantastic. Its good to know that bad movies can be reviewed by equally poor movie reviewers. Just to remind you, your job is to see a movie and review it. Not see a movie and make up half the dialogue in an attempt to make fun of Selma Blair. I hope that you read this letter, rethink your life (and more importantly your occupation), call your mom and work out all your problems with her, then, if you think you have it in you, re-watch Hellboy II and, whether you love it or hate it…WRITE A REAL REVIEW!

My Reply:

Dear Selma:

I know this is you – fess up!

Listen, Selma, if I could write a real review, why would I be doing MovieJuice?

I’m flattered that you think I’m actually capable of that, but your confidence is seriously misguided!

I’m glad you reminded me that my job is to see a movie and then review it. Because God knows there aren’t enough idiots doing that already – let’s make sure to add one more.

And God further knows (because He follows such matters) that there’s entirely too much mystery about Hellboy II – nobody has the slightest clue what it’s about! The Internet has been silent on the matter, and those roman numerals are some sort of Hollywood trick!

Why, Hellboy II could turn out to be an Indie relationship drama starring Julianne Moore and Philip Seymour Hoffman. Bring on the reviews so I can print them all out and roll around in bed with them like Demi Moore in that movie with Robert Redford and his million dollars, the one I was just reading reviews about because I was too afraid to rent it on spec.

That said, Selma, I want you to know that you handle a pistol like it’s a blow-dryer.

Best Regards,

Mark Ramsey



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